Been such a long time no having chance to take a look at this supposed to be daily writings. Things change, well, they always do: a lot. What do I feel now? Not barely anything. Go along with friends, and stuffs, and all the hard work in my last college year, what else was I supposed to do?
I got more skeptic to see sort of beautiful things today. After the breakup with my last boyfriend, you know, I'm so over with drama. Like this. You met someone and got the click, you learned to know each other as well, went on dates saying I love you I wanna grow old with you and another similar bullshit thus made you believe everything will stay the same till the end. But then shit happens, like someone came along, just like that, took the happiness you thought it would last (or at least a little bit longer) and there the "I need to talk" goes. The "well, we didn't work out, you know you deserve better," burst out. Cliche. Then what's the point of all?
So once again I came into conclusion: happiness is sort of an unfinished story.
There that unfinished story, I guessed it was going to reach the-almost-done part when at less expected, he came again. Not the one who was breaking up with me but the one who was breaking up with me before. Got an exhausting long ride with this one backward, for once I guessed I'm moving on but what happened actually was: I only got another rebound. And by keep coming back to him I got more credits for another, another rebound. Which I know obviously I have to stop.
And here it is. If only I get the urge to talk to him again, for that I'm sure it wouldn't be necessary to him, I really, really hope, I'm done; we're done. An oldschool stuff never fails me. It won't be aimed to be read, I promise, I just need to write it down to remind if one day, by hearing his voice again, I maybe will turn around and make up my mind. And I don't want that ever to happen. I won't.
Oh, hi. Have you been feeling better?
I hope you're fine there, elsewhere in town, for which I'm sure you may not think about me anymore like I wish I should. I hope you feeling no regrets too, because by knowing you this far, never once I feel regret about you, about us, and about what have been happening between. I didn't take this as white flag words or even another love letter, not anymore, because what lasts will last and what doesn't, won't. And we don't, we won't.
You got me so many chances as I always give them to you but we have never worked out, together. Well, where were you? When I set my eyes on the stage looking for yours, when my Dad got his fragile operation for months, when my thesis was defensed and it passed somehow, where were you when I needed you the most? I was alone, I didn't know what I'm doing. Do you think it was easy for me without you? Do you think that there wasn't a goddamn marathon of every second goes by for me without you? Well, I got no clue.
I won't put the: "I wish I should..." anymore. I had so many times saying goodbye with you but I keep blew them all. You say those harsh words after saying what you feel for me then what did you expect for me to do? That there's the point of every relationship in this world, every good shape of relationship, being there for each other when you're needed. And we're not so into it. And I'm not sorry for that because being your friend for after all this time is not necessary either.
Somebody needs to show you how to grow up. And what I see now, reflecting those years, God doesn't allow me to be that one, never does. So good luck on your thesis. Take care of your Mom, tell her I'm sorry, don't worry I would tell her by myself anyway because you even never got my regards to her, and treat what's yours better than you did.
I hope you'll understand someday before you'll be the one who really walks away.
I verily miss the feeling of being in love tho. Is that always this awful?