I was born as the first child of the family. Ever since I was kid, my Dad treated me a lot like I'm his son, not his daughter. He taught me to kick the silly boys ass, let me climb the trees even when I ended up with my scrapped knees, and take a look by myself for every troubleshoot my car needs. I didn't complain, I didn't take it as a pain. I see it clearly somehow, I get no problem depends on anyone else. But at some exhausting point in life, I've been dreaming a lot about a brother, the one I could run away to anytime I have broken shoulders.
And alhamdulillah, I know He always perceives me the way I'm needing. Through years, I've had the chances to find them. The ones who catch my back every time they hear it cracks. The ones who pretend to get mad every time they see I'm sad. The ones who poke my laughter even with not-funny-at-all joke. Yet the ones who stand all along beside, not crossing the line between friend or lover, but best friend and brother.
I meet them in every phase I've stepped in. Junior High, Senior High, and now as a sophomore in College. People often got us rumors as well as I truly see, but they don't know how many times I've spent alone with those ones eventually never get me thinking, not to be their non biological sister anymore. When we talk about things, from stupid to serious, from waste to important, I get enlighten. I get another eyes to see from another side. I can think with their brain, feel with their heart, speak with their words, and finally do with their act. It helps me a lot through some perplexing part of my life, as I wonder now, how come I get involved too far into this should-not-happen relationship?
I blabbered last night to one of them, trying to figure out if there's anything I have to do about that. And he was confused too, as he asked me to ask straightly to the person, but I denied him because that person just hates if I talk too much. Then he asked me to avoid that person, and once again I denied him because that person, I've known him better than too much, needs someone to rely on. At last he asked me to come to campus today, but we both overslept until the morning passed away. As I turned off my phone this whole day, I overthink of all he asked me to that I denied, is everything as simple as that?
It's a mystery still and I don't know if it won't bring to any misery, again and again. But all that I know is God forever knows best as everything that I need is always beside. Even though what best is sometimes I'd rather be alone, for keeping my heart from losing its home.
ps: look up QS. 94: 5-6 :)
