Nisa Karunia

Choices

2012-02-12T20:28:00.006+07:00

Hola, it's me again!

Well, those white-blues-girls are my best friends since high school, Audita and Hesti, though we're not on the same schools back then. What to say, fate aka takdir? Hahaha why so serious. Udah lama banget gak ketemu karena jadwal yang gak pernah pas, dan sekalinya ketemu masih kurang Diva. Go on then, the point is, time does really fly, ya. Dan disadari atau nggak, disengaja atau nggak, di antara selang waktu itu kita udah banyak membuat pilihan. It should be no regret as you choose it by yourself, eh?

Dari mulai nentuin pilihan universitas sampe jurusan. Nentuin pilihan orang-orang yang bisa dipercaya untuk jadi teman-teman yang baru di tempat yang baru pula. All about choices. Life's about choices. Masih banyak contoh-contoh lain tentang pilihan yang seharusnya membawa perubahan yang lebih baik di dalam hidup kita, yang kadang malah berlaku sebaliknya, mendatangkan kehancuran. So it takes time to think. Tapi waktu gak bisa nunggu, bukan? Waktu terus jalan, sedangkan umur makin berkurang. Dan gak berasa lusa udah masuk kuliah lagi, semester 4. Well, untuk yang ini sepertinya memang gak ada pilihan.

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Sebenernya ada deng.

And I've already made a choice. I've canceled that scholarship. I've canceled that before it's even begun to start. Setelah dua minggu yang penuh dilema sampai akhirnya gue memutuskan untuk let it pass. Call me stupid then. I don't know either why the hell I've been that brave to blow that. Dad will be okay, and Mom will be fine but when it came to that final day, I completely realise that it's just an escape for everything I've messed around in this place.

Whereas the point now is, I realise that I either don't have any reason to stay here. And I've canceled that way out there. But someday, somewhere, somehow, God forever knows best. So you don't need to know, you just need to believe. Don't easy to give up for something you really want. As if only I can quote a song then it will be The Smiths; "So please please please, let me, let me, let me, let me get what I want this time." Dear God, please?

Keep calm and let the universe surprises you, xxoo.

It's been February, it's been rain all day

2012-02-10T19:06:00.008+07:00

I love rain. Most in February than the other months. Ever since when I was in high school, when it came to this month; the front yard, the corridor, the class became much pleasing, and relaxing. No sweat in wet, like when the sun shines all the year. It was closer to the final exam, rain soothed us a lot from those pressures.

And now everything has changed. I wasn't in high school anymore, yet the rain still pours in this beginning of February. I looked across my window today, and gladly I found why I love these past rainy days. I love the smell of the wet land blowing away. I love how every raindrop has a blessing for a pray. Then so as I fall asleep with the sound of the rain, I hope it can wipe all yesterday's pains away.

February don't go away. I love you all the way.

Don't you dare to look me in the eyes?

2012-02-08T13:20:00.010+07:00

I was in the middle of confusion these lately days. A half of my heart says: "Let it go," but the other half says: "Hold on a little longer, please." And I'm not that easy to give up, because meanwhile, my head says that everyone should be grateful to God for giving us something worth to wait and somebody worth to fight. It's such a constant condition, as always preposition, and we just need Him to rely on.

My Mom once said to me, along her pregnancy, she often looked up in the sky for some stars and pray it would be right there, then in my eyes. And I don't know why, now is people barely look me in the eyes. They can't endure what I ask them to be honest, that's what my close friends said. Seriously I never intend to, I sometimes need them to look me in the eyes too; to know what they really want, to know what they really mean. And that's why I sometimes ended up clueless, literally clueless.

I suddenly remember one night, as somebody said to me: "Don't leave," and I shortly replied: "Ok never," I also need them to know that I'm not a type of persons who take back their words. So then wherever this flow will bring us to, even if nowhere, they should know where I will be. Well, if only I could see myself in his eyes that night, oh Heaven knows.

XXOO

Halfway, again

2012-02-07T22:05:00.004+07:00

Somehow I just want to escape, but why can't I?

How time does really fly.

2012-02-03T00:05:00.005+07:00

This is how time really does fly. Now we're on our second year in college but still clearly remember how everything started and some things remained. Many does change yet that evening when we talked about all we have been doing, I realize it's not how we finally wear make up to campus, or how we cut our hair, but the way we're still best friends until now that's what keeps going on. Those hard times we've been through become another precious lesson that truly with hardship comes ease for you're still having your best friend beside.

2010

2012

And by the way, welcome February :)

Suatu Sabtu di Januari

2012-01-28T18:17:00.014+07:00

Matahari sudah hendak bersemburat dari peraduannya, namun tak juga saya beranjak dari tumpukan bantal yang terhampar basah. Sisa tangisan semalam yang berbekas di kedua kantung mata saya telanjangi di depan kaca. Masih menetes diam-diam rupanya, dalam riak hiruk pikuk pagi yang sekuat asa saya acuhkan. Ini lelah namanya, tak ada rasa apa lagi.

Saya terjaga pukul 11, memandangi sudut ruang yang masih gelap. Tak ada hangat, hanya beku memeluk erat. Jam dinding pemberian Eyang yang terpampang ketika saya membuka mata menyadarkan bahwa tempat ini masih tempat yang sama, tempat yang entah berapa jam lamanya saya menghambur air mata. Saya kira saya sudah mati. Saya kira saya akan terbangun di tempat yang lain. Saya kira saya lulus dari ujian ini dan Tuhan panggil saya untuk kembali. Sepenuhnya saya sadar dan bersyukur akan nafas yang masih dapat terhela, namun engah saya luluh lantak.

Ponsel saya bergetar tanda seseorang di sana mungkin masih mengingat saya. Satu persatu kata yang saya baca tak mampu lagi saya artikan. Bagaimana caranya tersenyum? Bagaimana caranya untuk berhenti menangis? Bagaimana caranya untuk bersikap datar ketika saya tahu badai kencang tengah singgah di dalam dada? Saya berbaur dengan diam, betapa suatu konsep dalam hidup manusia yang satu ini sungguh menakutkan. Ya, kebahagiaan.

Bagaimana bentuknya? Menang lotre milyaran rupiah atau liburan keliling dunia bisa jadi kebahagiaan bagi segelintir orang. Atau makan malam dengan lauk seadanya bersama anggota keluarga yang lengkap, mungkin itu juga kebahagiaan bagi yang lainnya, yang entah kapan terakhir saya rasakan. Namun bagi saya, Sabtu ini, berbicara dengan seseorang di sana akan apa yang telah kami katakan dan lakukan, seketika menjadi serangan berbalik yang memporak-porandakan konsep itu. Ya, kebahagiaan.

Saya merenung tanpa seorang pun mengusik jelangnya senja. Enggan sudah rasanya menebak-nebak langit abu-abu, akankah turun hujan atau berangsur cerah. Mungkin kebahagiaan adalah sesuatu yang terlalu berlebihan untuk diminta, sesuatu yang terlalu berharga untuk dibagi, atau sesuatu yang terlalu mahal untuk dimiliki. Bukankah begitu? Atau mungkin ia sudah berpindah karena saya tak kunjung datang menggugah? Ya, kebahagiaan.

Saya sedih, Tuhan... terlampau sedih hingga saya tak mampu menahan tetesan bening yang tak jua reda membanjiri pipi hari ini. Bahkan untuk merintih kemana saya tak lagi ada daya. Adzan Maghrib perlahan bersenandung dari kejauhan seiring doa saya menutup Sabtu terakhir di bulan ini. Tolong, Tuhan, kalau memang kebahagiaan yang Engkau takdirkan tak urung menyapa, tolong, Tuhan... jangan berikan lagi yang lebih sakit dari ini. Saya tak ingin dibawa terbang bila hanya untuk dijatuhkan. Saya takut... saya takut sakit yang saya rasakan kelak akan membuat saya tak lagi sanggup mengucap syukur atas apa yang Kau berikan. Ya, kebahagiaan.

Sabtu, 28 Januari 2012

Embrace This Grown Up Phase

2012-01-28T17:40:00.004+07:00

Everybody grows up. But the best part is, we do it together. I ain't gonna tell you how it's been through days, months, years, yet as time goes by you know that some people are destined not to grow apart.

I love them so much that's enough said.

▶ rhythm of love

2012-01-20T16:11:00.011+07:00

and long after I've gone, you'll still be humming along
and I will keep you in my mind, the way you make love so fine...
we may only have tonight,
but till the morning sun you're mine, all mine...
play the music low, and sway to the rhythm of love

(Rhythm of Love - Plain White T's)

xx

I don't know what kind of feeling like this. Mau mulai dari mana juga bingung. My friend once said, selama ini mungkin aja gue buta untuk mencari sesuatu yang gak jelas, sampe-sampe yang di depan mata gak keliatan. Tapi, emangnya yakin sama yang di depan mata itu? Gimana kalo ternyata gak ada bedanya?

All last year I've followed my heart and it led me nowhere, so now maybe I need to follow my head to go where I should go. Mungkin ini cuma perasaan sementara, atau... well, I have no idea. Karena untuk berharap lagi sepertinya gue sudah terlalu lelah. Sehari, dua hari, semuanya lewat begitu aja. Agak miris sebenernya ketika gue tau ternyata banyak hal yang mau gue bilang, but that time has already gone away... and we're just standing still.

But whatever happens today, we had yesterday. Sedih, ya? Ketika cerita-cerita yang seharusnya ada lanjutannya itu cuma bisa diingat dan disimpan baik-baik di hari kemarin.

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Dan gue stuck di kalimat ini, gak tau mau bilang apa lagi. Hmm, atau mungkin gue udah nemuin rasa ini apa namanya. Safe, nyaman? Pernah gak sih lo duduk di sebelah orang dan apapun yang lo lakuin sama dia, walaupun cuma sing along gak jelas, atau bahkan ketiduran di pundak satu sama lain, selama apapun itu gak berasa, semuanya kayak every joy worth the pain gitu. Gimana ya maksudnya, you just feel safe, like you're home? Ya, kira-kira begitulah.

Dan semua orang butuh rumah, bukan? :-)

How could a movie fit in.

2012-01-20T15:35:00.002+07:00

It was on the night train, I was sitting side by side with my friend watching this movie. One Day, they named it, though it's not a first time I watched it but my tears burst as well as I did. You know, the sense of losing, of waiting for something that will be sooner or later going. And as I treasured the trip, this movie fits in while we fell asleep.

Well, I got to know you. You cured me of you. :-)

Back to Jogja

2012-01-20T14:59:00.011+07:00

Jogja will always be my favorite town. It's like, that feeling I get again whenever I go back home. And I guess those pictures tell everything. The 5 days trip last week, I even don't have any proper words to say how happy I was. And that's it, I hope one day we'll do it all again. XO

The end of 3rd term.

2012-01-09T20:29:00.003+07:00

Hi, guys... what's been doing? Remember that, we've been doing good ever since the first term. Indeed, the good old times are too precious to be repeated. I missed us all. :')

Gelas-gelas kopi.

2012-01-03T18:07:00.007+07:00

It's been three hours since I got here, di pojokan sebuah kedai kopi deket rumah, sendirian.

I've been doing my supposed to be take home exam, I found it's kinda weird I can't do it at home karena terlalu banyak distraksi yang bikin semuanya ketunda-tunda. Ditambah lagi, nobody's home. Ya, walaupun sekarang gue juga sendirian tapi kan seenggaknya disini banyak orang. Dan alhamdulillah, tugas-tugas dengan deadline terdekat selesai sudah. Seharusnya gue pulang karena besok mesti ke kampus dari jam 8, tapi instead gue malah duduk bersandar... bengong, ngeliatin sekeliling, dan keinget hal-hal yang dulu pernah gue lakuin disini. Di depan gelas kopi yang udah mulai dingin, asbak kotor penuh abu, dan tumpukan kertas yang berserakan; semuanya punya cerita.

Gue selalu suka kopi. The cigars, the laugh and the tears' best friend. Terlalu banyak yang gue lewatin sama kopi. Mulai dari teman-teman, orang-orang spesial, Ibu, Bapak, bahkan Eyang, semuanya pernah punya gelas kopi yang ditaruh di sebelah gelas gue. Dan di saat gue sendirian, gelas-gelas kopi itu seolah bilang kalo apa yang kita alami kemarin, mungkin gak akan kita dapetin lagi di hari lain.

Udahlah, gue mau pulang.

Too wrong to care.

2012-01-02T18:59:00.003+07:00

When your beloved people are in troubles but you can't stand to help. When you think you know them enough but they leave you rejected. When all the wants in your heart is forcing to lift them up but they have so much to bear. When finally those wishes to bring back what happened in past are only going to waste.

Am I too wrong to care?

Catatan Akhir Tahun

2011-12-31T11:32:00.019+07:00

So, today is 31st of December. The birthday of sahabat tersayang gue, Dinda Puspa Handika, yang sekarang jadi anak Semarang. Dan hari terakhir di 2011.

Basically I'm not the type of person who gets excited about any new year thingy. I mean, every single day happens for once a year too then what's so special? Terdengar pathetic ya, bilang aja gak ada plan mau kemana ngapain sama siapa. I'm gonna spend tonight with my big family and friends as well. Tapi emang dari dulu tiap tahun baru gue ngerasa aneh aja, orang-orang kok pada heboh banget sedangkan gue, paling mentok abis makan, jalan-jalan bentar, tidur dan bangun besok paginya seperti biasa.

Anyway, kalo dibilang tahun baru itu semacam tanda bahwa umur makin tua, hidup makin susah, buat gue mungkin cuma butuh sekadar flashback untuk ngingetin apa yang udah gue lakuin di tahun ini sebagai pembelajaran tentang apa yang akan gue lakuin di tahun depan. Dimulai dari nol ya.

January

last new year

Semester kedua perkuliahan. Yang gue inget dari bulan ini adalah ribet-ribetnya persiapan berakhirnya masa ospek yang udah 6 bulan berjalan. Lagi deket-deketnya sama anak jurusan ditambah labil-labilnya kangen sama sekolah. That pict was taken di rumah Dea, malem tahun baru. The best part: my car hits aside of the road hahaha epic!

February

The fact that I've found less picts in February 2011 enough surprised me. Setelah ospek selesai dan liburan semester, mungkin sepertinya ini bulan hectic pertama yang menyambut semester dua. I found something-not-so-called-another-crush with a friend of mine, if you notice I told about him in the previous three posts. Hahaha if you got him then we are best friends until now.

lol this is that big 'baby' boy

March

me as part of Himpunan Mahasiswa Kriminologi 2011, PR Division

having some fun after the midterm exam

OMG I miss you geng

March goes on... swiftly. I have too much to write about what happened in this range time. So far the most favorite month of the year. Can we go back in time? Well, surely not.

April

Setelah lewat bulan menyenangkan, datanglah bulan berantakan. Kuliah males-malesan, hidup ogah-ogahan. I've got troubles with one of my best friends by the end of the month. Everything sucks. This is where it started.

first event since we're being family

belated best friend surprise cake (this is Andini's)

May

escaping sleepover

the 265871756th saturday night together

The-pull-myself-back-together month. Untung sadar dari berantakannya gak telat pas mepet-mepet uas. Akhir bulan ini adalah awal dari liburan super panjang 3 bulan. Another side, I fell sick. Still on therapy now on would you wish me everything gets heal better?

June

THE LONG HOLIDAY BEGINS!

July

What else? Birthday month.

the unforgettable cakes day, 13th of July

daddy-daughters Java road trip

waving good bye as they flew to Bali

I'm so in love with July's weather! Menyenangkan rasanya bisa istirahat dari segala rutinitas yang menyebalkan sepanjang awal tahun. Bulan ini bener-bener judulnya I'm free as a fuckin bird flies. The bad news: I've got a massive broken heart this month lol nevermind to write here.

August

Agustus adalah pertengahan bulan puasa menuju lebaran. Acara-acara semacam bukber, kumpul-kumpul keluarga, ada di bulan ini. Masih dalam rangka liburan, I took a part time working as a social worker di salah satu badan hukum di Jakarta. Sounds hard? Nope, pengalaman kerja di kantor itu jadi bener-bener suatu hal yang baru, how to earn money... ternyata emang susah sih hahaha you owe your parents much.

this is my Mom, the world's greatest woman

mates from the first year of high school

night city light

September

last holy-day, Dad's hometown

Setelah liburan yang super panjang, dimulailah semester 3 yang sejauh ini merupakan semester paling neraka as my seniors told so. Awal masuk dimulai dengan kepanitiaan acara kepanitiaan kampus, dengan tugas-tugas yang mulai berdatangan tumpuk-menumpuk. Thank God I survived this month.

October

Another messed up month. Sindrom penggalauan hati besar-besaran didukung dengan datangnya musim hujan. Aduh geli sendiri bacanya. Tapi emang gitu sih, efeknya keras sob. Kuliah berantakan lagi. Hidup ogah-ogahan lagi. Malu kali sama umur (ngomong ke kaca). Oh, bulan ini ada yang ulang tahun, one of my best-random-boy-friends uhuk geli lagi bacanya. Sebenernya hal yang biasa, sama kayak ulang tahun sahabat-sahabat gue yang lain. Yang gak biasa adalah mengingat berapa lamanya terakhir dia dikasih surprise cake sehingga ekspresinya cukup membuat bulan ini sangat memorable. HAHAHA I wish somebody recorded that!

stuck in class

another favorite girls in campus

November

Sepertinya semester ganjil memang sudah ditakdirkan hectic dan..... pathetic. Hahaha nggak deng yang terakhir canda. Semuanya menyenangkan kok, apalagi tugasnya, apalagi tugas kelompoknya. HAHAHA yang ini beneran canda. Another family times month, my 2 cousins got married this month.

we called it 'doing tasks'

Eyang <3

December

one of the two big events of the month, yup that's my major

The end of the year, I've got no happy ending since it hadn't come to. Bulan yang penuh hujan sepanjang hari, literally, lahir dan batin. But along the year I've learned; through the smiles and the tears, through the rights and the wrongs, indeed the old good times are too precious to be repeated. Mungkin emang gak semua yang kita pengin bisa jadi kenyataan, tapi sadar gak sih kalo sebenernya kita udah punya semua yang kita butuh? Alhamdulillah can say enough. ;-)

Thank you 2011, welcome 2012! :-)

Snapshot at a coffee shop.

2011-12-30T19:48:00.006+07:00

Ao, apa kabar?

Jadi ceritanya minggu depan, atau tepatnya sehari setelah tahun baru, gue akan menghadapi ujian akhir semester. Iya, tanggal 2 Januari..... nggak kok nggak bete, cuma... asdfghjklmnbvcxz! Ditambah lagi dari 8 mata kuliah yang gue ambil, 6 diantaranya adalah ujian take home which is membuat gue begadang terus dalam seminggu terakhir ini. Holy shit.

Makalah oh makalah. Mungkin bukan suatu hal yang baru setelah 3 semester gue kuliah di jurusan ilmu sosial. Tapi dalam prosesnya, gue memiliki 1 kelemahan fatal yang baru gue sadari ketika mereka dateng keroyokan. Gue... gue... ternyata gak bisa ngerjain tugas sendirian. Maksudnya gini, bukan selama ini tugas-tugas gue dikerjain orang lain, tapi gue butuh orang lain untuk ada di tempat saat gue ngerjain tugas. Siapapun, dalam bentuk apapun. Mau itu temen kuliah gue yang ngerjain tugas yang sama, atau temen-temen lain yang sekedar nyampah ketika gue berkutat dengan laptop. Aneh, ya? Soalnya kalo gue sendirian jatohnya gue malah ngerjain hal-hal lain yang gak ada hubungannya sama tugas-tugas itu. Kalo ada orang lain seenggaknya gue ngerasa ada yang ngawasin, atau nemenin aja, that makes everything safe. Kayak sekarang, gue sama Nina di tempat biasa ngerjain tugas super pewe deket rumah. Dia ngerjain tugas-tugas psikologinya yang emang beda dari tugas-tugas gue, tapi progresnya buat gue berkali-kali lipat dibanding ketika gue ngerjain sendiri di kamar.

Dan randomly, gue keinget percakapan gue sama Ibnu kemaren malem. Temen gue, Nadia, baru aja jadian dan I'm so happy she gets what she wants after all those waiting times. Dan entah kenapa Ibnu menyampaikan kata-kata ini ke gue.

Ibnu: Nay masih ada happy-nya ya ada yang nyemangatin khusus. Lah situ, apa kabar sob?

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Gue diem. Semenit. Dua menit. Tertohok.

Nisa: Gue baik kok, alhamdulillah. Nyokap bokap gue ngasih semangat dan ngedoain. Temen-temen sama sahabat-sahabat gue bantuin bikin makalah dan ngehibur pas gue drop. Uang cukup, makanan ada, oksigen gak terbatas, apa yang kurang coba?
Ibnu: Sadisss!!! Subhanallah gue bangga banget sama lo sob, itu jawaban cool banget. Terharu.

Hahaha gue juga gak tau kenapa tiba-tiba gue ngomong gitu. Spontanitas yang justru bikin gue mikir, ternyata masih banyak hal di sekitar kita yang bisa disyukuri. Ngapain sih galau bentar lagi 2012 sob! Dalem hati sih jerit-jerit padahal HAHAHA KEEP CALM \m/

When you turn into college...

2011-12-24T22:48:00.007+07:00

I'm about to finish the title, it should be when you turn into college there are some things get a thousand more complicated. You've never imagined that might be commonly happened in high school or even before but now, you find it's hard to differ truth or... truth?

So well, there was on Peace Building 2011, I've told you that's the biggest event my department just held, I found it on Tyas' blog as I begin to wonder why didn't I myself take some pictures along that event? Never in a million times I left my camera off unless... was I quite busy, I mean, that busy?

That's not the point anyway, I can breathe some relief eventually that's what I'm gonna say, before the final exam begins next week. I'm home all the day, I have totally forgotten when did the last time I've been like that. I'm having back my quality self-talking time; what I have done, what I will do, yet I finally see everything gets blur still.

And through this hard time, one thing else I've got tonight that as you grow up you'll see some people were not a couple by only standing side by side burn the cigars together.

Have a blast year ended, xxoo.

Spell it: s-t-u-p-i-d.

2011-12-23T23:14:00.005+07:00

Heyho, seems like it's been a really looooong time I wrote some happiness here, but today... these people successfully boost up my mood back again and leave me such stomachache until now I should have been gone to sleep... gaaah, I think it's better talking with Bahasa, like omfffgg this is fucking epic no words in English can describe.

Well, ceritanya dimulai dari ketika gue sampe kampus pada siang hari ini dan dikagetkan dengan deadline laporan pertanggung jawaban sebuah kepanitiaan (as I've told in my previous post) yang cukup mendadak dan gakmautauharusselesaisekarangjuga. Oke terdengar berlebihan tapi kalo boleh jujur, capek juga kali bapak ibu mas mbak becandanya suka gak lucu kita-kita jadi bingung mesti ketawa gak ya.........

Nisa: Kendalanya apa nih gue bingung weyy weeey
Nadia: Hmm bilang aja, kerjaan humas sering bentrok sama jad- nis... (bengong ngeliat laptop)
Nisa: (nerusin ngetik) iya iya kendalanya udah sebulan nih kuliah berantakan gimana dong mana minggu depan uas sob gila kali lu ndro?!
Nadia: -___-

Nyesss bete, sian deh lo siapa suruh baca-baca? Wait wait, gue agak lupa sebenernya di laporan udah gue delete apa belom bagian yang itu HAHAHA mampus kenapa fail terus idup gue belakangan ini coba kita bertanya pada rumput yang bergoyang. Yah sudahlah, seiring waktu bergulir perlahan tapi pasti tibalah gue di beberapa kejadian yang gak jauh lebih fail dari ini.....

Awalnya, gue lagi duduk sama Ica sambil makan somay. Gerimis-gerimis ngeledek gitu, ada kak Dipta dateng ngobrol-ngobrol sebats dua bats. Sore yang cukup damai sampe angin topan lewat. Gak deng canda, Tofan maksudnya, temen gue yang... aduh simpulkan sendiri deh sampe cerita ini selesai.

Nisa: Mau kemana fan kok sendirian?
Tofan: Ngambil duit ke atm psiko, temenin gue dong
Nisa: Gak ah jauh, mending gue nitip nih (ngeluarin kartu atm dari dompet) pinnya blablabla ambil cepe aja gih deh
Tofan: Ah nggak, nggak, sini lo ikut (mulai annoying)
Nisa: Duh iye bawel ayo buruan

Setelah beberapa langkah menembus hujan, gue agak bingung kenapa ini jalannya lewat sini ya... sampe akhirnya dia histeris ngeliat tukang somay...

Tofan: NAAAHHH INI DIA SOMAY GUE CARI-CARI!!! Makan dulu yuk nis yuukk!!!
Nisa: Hah?! Tadi kan gue lagi makan somay sama Ica fan, kenapa gak makan somay yang disana aja? Jangan bilang lewat sini cuma mau beli somay? Kan... (speechless pengin kayang seketika)
Tofan: Oh iya, ya? Yaudah yuk makan yang disana aja
Nisa: -___-

Udah tuh kesampean juga dia makan somay, sampe Akbar dan Gome, temen-temen gue yang alhamdulillah (masih) waras, dateng duduk di tempat gue sama Ica tadi. Ngeliat Ica lagi bengang bengong gak jelas, Tofan mulai meracau lagi. Kak Dipta cabut ke dalem, doi hands up kayaknya sama kita.

Tofan: Ca, lo suka sama Ibnu, ya?
Ica: Hah?! Apaan sih anjir gak jelas banget tiba-tiba
Nisa: Hahaha kenapa emang sih ca, sama-sama jomblo ini ciye jadian aja gih!

Eng ing eng, disinilah gue menyadari kebodohan gue. Fyi gue dan Tofan pernah punya cerita yang gak jelas juntrungannya gak ada ujungnya you-know-what emang kita sama-sama bodoh, dan bener aja, yang lain menyadari kebodohan ini sehingga kemudian daripada itu terjadilah yang namanya senjata makan tuan.

Ica: OH GITU YA NIS YA? Mau nanya nih, lo juga jomblo kan? Tofan juga kan?
Nisa & Tofan: (hening dalam doa)
Akbar: Nah tuh deh clbk cinta lama belom kelar, mending lo pelukan gih (iya tau random banget mulai gak waras)
Gome: Nah tuh deh (sengaja jatohin badan di sebelah Tofan dan akhirnya menimpa gue)
Nisa: wtfwtfwtfwtfwtf
Tofan: Pokoknya gue ketua kelompok MPS, lo harus kerjain tepat waktu atau lo ancur! (sok galak tapi gak nyambung bangsat)
Semua: (bengong)

Akbar dan Gome pun pergi, sebut saja seleksi alam. Seketika gue inget tujuan asal kita adalah ngambil duit di atm. Ini super fail tapi gue gak kuat ceritanya aduh gak bisa berhenti ketawa sampe asma gue kambuh tadi. Salah siapa? Taufan Nusantara Kuswaya dan Annisa Puteri Adityani. Tuh kan, kurang sayang apa gue sama lo berdua sampe gue sebutin nama panjang lo atu-atu. Fahmi Siddiq pun datang dan dua bocah laki-laki ini semakin tidak terkendali.

Fahmi: I WANT A BICYCLE!!! Uyeaaah!
Tofan: Eh mi, si Azi aneh deh masa dia gak bisa naik sepeda
Fahmi: He? Elu yang aneh, kita kan pernah naik sepeda kuning bareng-bareng dia bisa kok
Tofan: Ah tapi gue liat dp bbm dia waktu itu pake sepeda gunung
Nisa: YA TERUS KENAPA JUSTRU SEPEDA GUNUNG LEBIH SUSAH KAN? (emosi)
Ica: (ketawa doang gak berenti-berenti, matanya biasanya segaris sekarang beneran ilang)
Tofan: Dia gabisa naik sepeda ih dibilang (tetep ngotot gak ngerti lagi)
Fahmi: Untung gue lagi ngerokok....

Pernah gak pengin ketawa tapi delay dulu? Ada apa dengan teman-temanku ya Allah... sempet-sempetnya lho mereka jamming pake mulut, Tofan di drum dan Fahmi di bass, dan Nisa dan Ica (serasa) di neraka. Serius pengin gue banting itu hp ada voicenote rekaman suara mereka yang kacau balau, tapi sebenernya mayan deh buat alarm pagi-pagi mudah-mudahan ayam tetangga gak mati.

Nisa: Udah yuk pulang yuk udah malem nih repot ntar kalo ditangkep satpam
Fahmi: Ayuk kita keliling UI dulu tapi ya, plis dong sekali-sekali sob
Tofan: Ayuk yuk, drop gue di stasiun nanti
Ica: Asdfghjklmnbvcxz

Sepanjang jalan ada aja kelakuan yang bikin gue pengin berenang bersama paus akrobatik. Entah berapa lap ngiter-ngiterin kampus sendiri malem-malem, sok-sokan mau uji nyali tapi ujung-ujungnya ngerengek minta pulang. Sebenernya banyak yang pengin gue ceritain, tapi ngantuk banget ini mau bobo gimana dong... yaudah dilanjutin kapan-kapan deh di lain kesempatan. Kalo ada sumur di ladang boleh kita menumpang mandi, kalo gak ada ke kali aja.

.....
...

...........

Singkat kata, berakhirlah sudah hari ini tanpa air mata (tsaaah ada backsound tepuk tangan dari kejauhan). Mungkin bisa dibilang, so far ini adalah satu-satunya hari yang cukup menyenangkan diantara hari-hari yang sangat menyebalkan sepanjang bulan Desember ini. Kenapa sih, Des, kenapa kita saling membenci awalnya kita selalu memberi? Masa lupa sih sama kenangan-kenangan 3 tahun yang lalu? Masa gak ada pelangi lagi nih sekarang habis hujan terbitlah badai? Duh bacot ah udah yang lalu biar berlalu mari kita kembali ke laptop.

Dan begitulah, if only I could have a wish; awet-awet ya kalian jadi temen gue, semoga panjang umur dan sehat selalu. Me loves you, God loves you :)

I found some peace talking with silence.

2011-12-20T22:49:00.004+07:00

Currently listening to: The Script - Nothing

Currently mood: six feet underground

I've been sitting alone in my room, now is 10:49 the clock ticks still getting closer to midnight. Nobody's home yet. I've got the last text from Mom about two hours ago, Dad has been out of the town, and my sister has been having her year end holiday with her friends. And I miss them. I miss the feeling of having a family. I used to say I've been getting used to but where else can I go for hug in such time like this?

I started to think it was destiny said that the kids who have commonly background like me anywhere anytime else will be having, what else to say, miserable self managed, moreover when I saw who's around that idea proved me right. A few cigars and drinks will be okay to help them but every drunk step they take will lead them nowhere. I know exactly how it feels. I've ever been twice worse than this, and I proudly say I'm alive still today. But after all these happen whom they people don't know what we have been through, do they have any right to judge?

I don't need to be understood. I don't need to be told. I wasn't put in this earth to please anyone. I am dying trying to be what everyone expect me to. I am dying crying myself every night to sleep. I'm not stressed out; this is how I only react based on their act. Don't get too fast too assume unless you know when did the last time I wash my car. I have so many things in my mind, right on whatever you called it trouble, and I'm not gonna fucking make it double.

Let's say it was me and my academical stuffs, the final exam is less than two weeks. Tasks keep coming, making a pile themselves, in order they can be under controlled I have been over exhausted. I committed as the public relation coordinator in an event my department held. It was okay back then, being a part of this biggest one they have ever had, but day by day the deadline starts to drive me mad. I know, I know, being a pro, we have to still get it all well done, whereas when it's finally accomplished I'm like having countless time to pay. I shouldn't complain, I know, I shouldn't. I would only need a little break I don't think I can endure this as fast as I blink my eyes. Believe me, I know what I'm doing, I will finish what I have started so don't be that worry. Oh please I begin to beg.

And as simple as this, there I've got relief. There I've found some peace talking with silence. Now is ten minutes to twelve, and my class tomorrow will be at 8 in the morning. The blanket calls over me, locked down the door as still nobody's home. Good night.

ps: I miss you shithead where are the good old times gone?

An imperfect ride.

2011-12-18T15:26:00.005+07:00

So it's been almost a year, I've had a little secret that only me and few of my close friends I let to know. I've been going in a ride with a, what a proper name to call, an asshole? Can you imagine somebody drives their steer through while you're lingered on their bumper? I've told you already, this is an asshole. I play no joke.

I know this is so wrong, but I can never seem to let it go. I know this is not how things supposed to go, but who am I to tell any path where the fate should pass? Then so I embrace the silence, the coldness when our sights touch each other, the don't-know-what-to-say moment every time we're both alone. I don't know, I thought we actually had something but I thought what I thought was wrong. And now, not that I'm tired to declare that I do still care, because I clearly see what I've done all along is only going to waste. What's worse?

So here, just in case you forget, let me refresh your memory a bit. I was the one who listened to your problems. I was the one who took your bullshit. I was the one who actually cared about you. I was the one who stuck around even when everyone told me to leave. I was the one who stood up for you. I was the one who loved you even when you gave me every reason not to. And lastly, I was the one who was there for you when no one else was. And I don't ask you to do the same as you won't let me to decide. All these times I only am finding excuses, all these times I pretend anybody to stay. But if you don't put on the effort, why should I?

I imagine someday I can let into the car, sit side by side along the road. The sunshine pours us in summer breeze, as the birds start to fly as high as the clouds. The songs we sing along while we watch the magic God shows between the day and night when the moonlight drops. We hold our cups of coffee, tell each other our secrets until we fall asleep. That would be worth the tears I dried for you, as this fucking everyday goes by.

But here, we've got nothing still. We let this imperfect ride goes on.

The only rhythm I haven't lost.

2011-12-18T14:54:00.002+07:00

I hate the fact that life is been really upside down all over again. The music turns out slow, as I get no reason why I've been literally crying myself to sleep every night, these last nine days. I have such countless mistakes. People hate me. I hate them either.

If only sunshine lasts all the time.

2011-12-14T23:42:00.006+07:00

I wish that we never made it through all the summers.
They're keeping us instead of kicking us back, down through the suburbs.

I'm 19 and I'm stressed out.

2011-12-09T23:48:00.006+07:00

Hi there, this is the second post since I logged in today.

I have just got home for hours, I don't know how many more times I should tell you this, I am exhausted. I dropped by popping out two bottles of heaven drink, smoking boxes of cigars, laughing out the traffic like, why can't everything be easy I don't get any reason to. Thank God I drove with my friends beside, even I know they've been trying to calm me down, it wouldn't work out those shits won't seem to disappear.

Okay, inhale... exhale. I blabbered so much these lately days. I don't think I can endure these pressures anymore that they keep coming from everywhere. I blew up much; my academic stuffs, my family's never ending trouble, my friends that nobody has any idea how I miss them half dying, and my heart... why are people forcing so hard to break it further to any little pieces? Seriously I have a feeling too don't they understand?

Well let me tell you this; "In order you know there's somebody would die for you doesn't mean you can kill them as many as you like. Once is hurt enough." Or for at least they think I'm getting used to, I start to wonder don't they have a heart too? I'm sad I'm no lying right now I'm laying on this couch crying like a baby. I don't care if nobody cares this room is wrecked up already I myself hate so much too I'm still alive.

Can anybody bring back my normal life? Dammit fuck this shit.

Imprisoned.

2011-12-09T21:47:00.005+07:00

So, this is exactly last week in Bedah Kampus UI 2011. One of the biggest events in my uni, and I took a part as the coordinator from my department. It was quiet fun, you know, the tired that I've got for such things as decoration, was worth the pride I've had when it has finally done.

And suddenly I've found it's funny to see the prison we've put... why am I feeling like that right this moment on. I ain't tired but much exhausted. It's like I'm trapped somewhere I know I don't belong yet I'm seeking still some things I know have never known, or maybe never will. I mean, what am I looking for? I easily run out of fucks to give about this situation like omg what happens next I am so done.

Anyway this is one of my best-boy-random-friends, Ibnu. Most girls who haven't known him before may think that he is, well I hate to say it either, good looking, but when you've already known him all those expectations about this handsome guy are likely falling to pieces. Hahaha who cares like Patrick says I'd rather be idiot than lose you, right?

Xxoo, may everything gets better.

December

2011-12-06T22:23:00.006+07:00

I used to love December for my entire lifetime, but these grown up years already make it harder than ever. And here its coming again gets me scared somehow for about three times in a row it poured me rain all along.

I'm trying to find any appropriate words to say how this circumstance have been pushing me so hard that I can barely breathe, that everything is so fucking useless. It's like, I am so done what do people expect me to do? And all I've been thinking is... is it possible to step back after we've met halfway? Trust me once, this is exhausting.

I've been messed up these lately days. I skipped some classes. I abandoned the tasks, the group papers, the daily tests, the what-the-lecturer-says. I fought with my Dad almost every night yelling some quite shits I shouldn't have mind. I had no left time to talk with my best friends, to remind that when this chapter's passed all will be just fine. I worry much. I cry much. I try to escape but the only way I've found is having no help. That the only person who makes me happy is the one who makes me depressed at the same time.

Life is been upside down again, well okay, welcome December.

She has a repeated 16 times phrase in a song.

2011-11-27T22:39:00.012+07:00

We found love in a hopeless place, Rihanna meant it.

A girl just told her friend: "I'd rather be hurt by the people I love than be pleased by those I don't." And he had no words to reply. As they both have been wondering what the hell is happening in someone's brain, here is the thing that remains unspoken: "I had a girl that would've died for me. I appreciate her so I made her cry for me. Every night she had tears in her eyes for me." There's she's still managed to say it's okay.

...
.....

...

I mean, is that hopeless that place, this place?

Sun shines tonight.

2011-11-27T22:31:00.003+07:00

The idea of having no them is having no life, xxoo.

Relationship.

2011-11-22T21:04:00.007+07:00

I lately have been questioning about some shapes of relationship between me and people around me. I don't know, it's more likely based on this feeling: to be taken for granted that's what frustrating. But until forever ends we can never force anybody to stand along beside, eh?

Then I found the reason why it has been so long since the last time I had a relationship with someone special, you know, that's just because it's not supposed to last we don't need the person who's worth enough the pain afterward. But then, it's not as simple as that. Let me explain you what; (1) when we love someone, they don't love us back, (2) when someone loves us, we don't love them back, (3) but when we love each other, something happens and voila, it ends anyway. Even this sweet life has also bitter, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, those are my two silly friends (I thought at first they act like stupid but—lol me loves them still—they really are). But the point is, I've got one thing to learn from them that I bet you gotta daily see how nice the relationship they had between. No no, they're not a couple nor siblings; they are truly, truly friends. Just like that. And when I look up mine, I've already had much but sometimes it complicated itself. That's why I prefer this way, as you may guess, through time we'll learn that there are some things we don't want to happen but have to accept, and some others we thought we can't live without but have to let go.

Err... am I typo to write that word; relationship or relationshit?

Said Pooh,

2011-11-20T23:16:00.008+07:00

"I knew when I met you, an adventure was going to happen—but if ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is even if we're apart, I'll always be with you—I used to believe in forever but forever is too good to be true."

Then may I ask you, Pooh, how could Walt Disney have any idea to make a perfect sincerity as you are? So if I can't be like you in this real world, do I have to lose a best friend—again?

You don't miss your water til the well runs dry.

2011-11-18T23:42:00.006+07:00

And here we came to the end of the week again.....

I am quite upset today, you know, I've gone in a rush from home to campus, which as usual it takes 2 hours long ride, I made it about only 45 minutes. But when I arrived, it was raining, my papers got wet, and the lecturer no longer allowed me to attend the class. It literally ruined my day, furthermore the reason I was late was so... asdfghjklmnbvcxz running running out of words.

This time I wonder, why do people barely understand that they shouldn't have messed with the wrong people? I mean at least, don't hurt the people who love you, or worse, don't hurt those you love. Or maybe, you think that it's okay to take them for granted because you know that they will never leave? Is it okay to make the same mistake again and again because you know that they will be there to clean up what you've made?

Thank God I've finally met one of my best of the best friends—since it's been so long from the last time we met—at the end of the day. I told her that it's such a lie if I say I'm okay being there, so I didn't. But do I have any other choices? People care too much, too much that they think they know everything so they easily judge, and sort of shits like that.

Omfg I hate that place.

Did I smell birthday cake?

2011-11-17T20:32:00.002+07:00

So today is my mom's birthday... I'm running out of words since I barely meet her these days. But if only God gives her 100 days to live then may He gives me at most 99 days as long.

Happy birthday Ibu ♡

The end of the week.

2011-11-13T22:16:00.005+07:00

This is Yang Kung, my Mom's father. He looks old, eh? Yap, his body may does but not with his soul. I remember how he taught me to drive, to paint the wall, even to get the mangoes up from the tree behind his house. It was back then actually, now after he's getting retired all those things managed by him to do often take me to fulfill.

Anybody who close enough to me has well known how close I am to my grandparents. After my parents divorced, since when I had two addresses yet rumah Eyang is the mostly place I've always been back home to. You don't have any idea how I love them both, Yang Kung and Yang Ti, eventhough we don't agree like all the time but still, they are my saviours.

By the way, that picture was taken in my cousin's wedding, and I'm like, can't believe that fast we grew up. How crazy life these days... oh my God you can't imagine how these lately days feel so bitter with no sweet. I feel so much lone, don't know why it seems like everybody's been busy or something, or I think, never mind I'm saving my heart in this safe zone afterward.

Oh well, when you're going through a tough time—keep going.

Random clues.

2011-11-09T13:02:00.005+07:00

X: Lo kenapa suka random sih, Nis? Plis itu jayus...
Y: He? Jayus, ya... remember, makin jayus tandanya gue makin galau...
X: ...

X: Mau kemana Nis buru-buru amat?
Y: Ke rumah Eyang hehehe.
X: Oke, fix duit bulanan lo udah abis.....

X: Tadi cepet banget keluar ruangan, gampang emang ya?
Y: Hah? Nggak, itu gue cuma nulis ulang soal kok...
X: (bengong)

X: Tumben jam segini udah di kampus, ada apaan?
Y: Oh, tadi pagi gue belom bab jadinya cepet deh, malah sekarang jadi pengin...
X: ...

X: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Y: Tuh kan kebanyakan becanda sih lo, jadinya idup becanda sama lo.
X: Nis... (miris)

X: Eh, rokok lo ganti?
Y: Nggak sih, lagi kangen aja sama yang pake rokok ini.
X: Sakit jiwa.

X: Ini udah berapa bulan mobil ga dicuci, Nis...
Y: Mm, lupa... Yaudah sih ntar juga kotor lagi, tunggu ujan aja.
X: Perempuan apa bukan...

X: Lo kenapa sih hari ini ga jelas banget...
Y: Hehehe tadi gue kesiangan langsung ke kampus.
X: Fix belom mandi.

X: Ah, Nisaaa! Emang lo temen gue paling baik, cup cup mwah!
Y: He? Ya iyalah gue emang baik, walaupun bukan anak baik-baik...
X: Gapapa still love you.

X: Nis, kok diem aja? Nis? Nis?!
Y: Hhh... hhh... ven.. vento.. ventolliiiiinnn!!!
X: !@#$%^&*()_+?

X: Lo lagi sedih, Nis? Kenapa sih cerita aja...
Y: Telah habis air mata dan segenap kata-kata.
X: Oke it either means, "leave me alone."

X: Dimana, Nis?
Y: Di GI, belanja... masa ada kaos cowok lucu, mau gue beli tapi ga tau buat siapa...
X: Sumpah bujang banget, sabar ya.

X: Jadi yang kemaren, ujungnya cuma nyampah doang?
Y: Iya... dikira gue tong sampah kali ya.
X: Nis... HAHAHAHAHA. (terharu tapi ngakak)

Fakta-fakta ga penting yang kalo diperhatiin sebenernya penting ga penting tapi penting. Coba deh sekali-sekali kalo ngobrol sama gue, sedikiiit aja lebih aware dengan kata-kata gue, siapa tau nemu random clues macem di atas. Ga tau, I either find it's strange kenapa gue ga bisa ngomong straight to the point tentang apa yang gue pikirin, apa yang gue rasain. Jadi, jangan keburu berasumsi kalo gue ga kenapa-kenapa, atau sebaliknya, karena emang yang terjadi adalah sebaliknya. Atau, jangan terus menarik kesimpulan kalo gue benci sama lo, atau sebaliknya, karena mungkin yang gue rasain malah sebaliknya.

Aneh, ya? Iya, liat aja clue yang terakhir. Pantes aja orang-orang suka pada nyampah ke gue. Dikira gue tong sampah kali ya hehehe.

Don't you miss the class?

2011-11-07T21:55:00.009+07:00

Have a spell with that girl already? Yap, she's Dea, if you notice I've spent a lot of my times in campus with her. This part might sound pathetic because among the people I could barely blend with, she's one beyond of. I hate this fact too that I may look fine with my surroundings but deep inside I only am badly picky; I'd rather have no friends than 'pretend' to have ones. Seriously I find it's getting harder to believe in anyone no more—as the past said so—then don't be easily judging because it's the open heart that vulnerable to the wounds.

There are actually some of people like her besides yet my finger hands are redundance to count. I tell you this is cool instead; having exactly home you can come back to, having no doubt shoulder you can lean on, having randomly stupid talks you can mock at, and having safely secrets you can share with. I'm not going to mention them one by one here—they don't need to anyway—this would be more likely an uttered thought of how those people I love can be fascinating me, this much.

So, last week, I met one of them in a purpose. He's also my just-found-best-friend—if only he assumes I am—, and how that night turned to be so ridiculous, at least for me to realize this too late, I haven't been that rude to anyone before. I don't think it would last in his mind as it would in mine because this person is unpredictably unpredictable, like he knows everything I haven't yet known. Which what I'm sure he could read this post but act like doesn't, well I keep writing anyway.

I forgot the detail of what we talked on that night but the entire things of what he did slight. He left me on group paper, skipped some essays that I couldn't not write down his name, abandoned the test when it came to final exam that I had to find a 'fake sick letter' to the lecturer. Still those are not the point after all, may I ask you can anyone let their friends in such troubles whatever the reasons are? I can not. And that time, I was bursting, blabbering out in front of his face. Word after word relieved me so much, but in the other hand, it was so hard to hold the tears that wanted to stream down as bad as I've finally noticed he did nothing but stared in silence. Like, did I hurt him?

I don't get why I could be so mean, when his moves made the ashtray fell down hitting the floor, I glanced at the mess and said: "Oh poor, how those could be as miserable as your life." And he replied: "Mine is more, I guess." Shit that was funny to be honest but should I laugh at his miserable life? As I looked at the left cigars we had, what if; when you're smoking there are people around to smoke with you, to smoke with your cigars but then when there are no cigars no more, they would leave and let you clean the ash alone, wouldn't they? There are only some people who will be sincerely being with you still, even buy you the new cigars so you can smoke another. They are your friends, so let them ease you because when you cry, they'll cry.

Don't be that reluctant, trust me, if I haven't known you this won't be hurt as well. I ain't telling as I've got the best knowing at all but if anyone is in my place I'm sure they'll do the same things I did. In case, if Dea turns to be like this I can be as freak out as; omg what I have to do that she can manage to say: "I'm fine," because like seriously I can see that she's not.

And like Blair ever said to Chuck: "Your father believes in you. I believe in you. You're the only one who didn't." So, don't you miss the class?

Strong enough?

2011-11-07T21:43:00.005+07:00

X: I thought you're strong enough.
Y: Sometimes it sucks being strong. Because when people know that you're strong, they think that is okay to hurt you, over and over again.........

Have a longer weekend anyway,

XXOO.

Some kind of fairy tale.

2011-11-02T20:44:00.008+07:00

You and I painting rainbows when no rain falls on our wall

Smelling raindrops on a hilltop as they fall
You and I laughing loudly with no reasons in our walk
Chasing sunsets, dancing minuet in the dark

Why don’t we just disappear
If that could keep us here?

You and I sharing snow fall and the beach sand in our thoughts
Writing love words with our whispers on our hearts
You and I stealing kisses from each other when we fight
Making wishes on the same star every night

Why don’t we just dream away
If that could make us stay?
Why can’t we just dream away?
We’re not real, anyway
Why don’t we just stay this high?
Pretend we’re all that fly
Why can’t we just stay this high?
We might rule our own sky

You and I singing solo our very own silly song
Playing lovers of all edens all life long

(Float, Stupido Ritmo - OST 3 Hari Untuk Selamanya)

I've found some kind of fairy tale. It was there, but not really.
I never really had it, so I never really lost it.
And I guess this is how it will always be.
Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?

November already.

2011-11-02T20:05:00.004+07:00

It's 2nd of November, guess whose birthday today?

...
.......
...

Yeah, it's just too late to write about this over and over again, I should have been done with this unfinished business but..... ya ya ya, I have been done as I've finally said.

That's not the point anyway, what happening these days are: midterm exam. Is it normal not being panic at all? Is it normal not being worried at all? Don't know why I can't feel the euphoria as I used to before. Everything goes, just like because it has to go, just like because it's taken for granted. I kinda thought I was about sooo bored with my routine that I even forgot the last time I did anything for the first time. I need something new as I need someone new, I told you what the old ones are sucks.

Well, this is the end of the post. And the title said so, here is November already. If only I could have some wishes upon the rain, may it wouldn't be rain again (especially right after I wash the car omg imagine how irritating that was), and may..... no, no, let I have the second wish left unwritten—I either don't know how to write that anyway—but the point is even if everything wouldn't go better, may it stays like it does, don't get too close nor too far because it would be hurt as... having no time of summer holiday! I need a break, like literally... this picture is unbearable, next week please?!

A tough week had passed.

2011-11-02T19:34:00.005+07:00

It's been a hardly time to write again lately. I was having, what a cliche, like so so many tasks to be done that's how those last few days were simply sucks. I won't be about to complain again within my subjects because whatever was chosen, had been chosen. It was only just me not being grateful for at least I've found still many reasons to be. And this time, I'm like... what else I needed I didn't have?

So, it's life having its ups and downs. I ain't telling this gonna be perfect, but too much worthwhile to be neglected. Like what me and my group just had done with our papers this last Monday. It was really, really exhausting along the ride yet when we've eventually finished that, like actually everything seemed impossible til you cope with it, proved. Pardon if I was too freak out to resist all that we've got, you guys are rawk I should've known we were.

CIE stands for C Is not Enough—lol—to the future we surrender.

That place, that time, those words.

2011-10-20T21:31:00.007+07:00

It was few days ago, when I quoted what my senior said in her personal micro-blogging that, "If I could turn back my time, I would make sure that I chose natural science path, and crossed this major from my option," and couldn't agree more I kinda thought I felt the way she did.

This is my second year, and I'm still having no idea; what, why, how come, and something else like that which quiet makes me wonder could it's possible if life ever be sane again? As I indirectly wrote in my previous post, I'm a lot likely, closer about to give up. And you know what's freaking bad? It's now too late this almost reaches halfway.

I remember how did I get here anyway, still, its every little thing was within all of my conscience to take. I remember how I've calculated all the risks I was about to get, but long after then I've just realized I've already been bad at math. And now if those are reversing against me, there's no other responsibility that counts but myself as the only one to blame. I maybe am exaggerated but I tell you what, it really, really sucks to be me right now.

I've gone too far to remain why I've been messed up here. The subjects, I can't bear to spell. There's too much to remind whereas I hate those theoretical since social science was never been my favorite two-years-long-class at school. The people, I can't stand to blend. There's too many to accept whereas I've never been through this phase that hard, and how complicated the rules they made that I can't tend to break. And when it links to the feeling, in a blink I've been blind.

It's funny how I've found that I could even do everything, once again everything, just based on pity. Then when it comes to be based at, what I'm gonna say, more than that, like seriously that person would be very lucky. I've got many friends on my own, I've got many people whom I love. You might ask them the way I treat them, few of them, as I respect them as much as what they've been giving me or even more. That's why when I care about them, it could be the same as I do to myself. I don't want anything bad happens to them simply because I would be hurt if they are hurt. And I know that even they don't know, it can simply make me the saddest person in the world to see how miserable they are, at the moment, yet I can't do anything about it. Ironic, uh-huh.

And now I'm trapped in the middle of that same problem, over again. And how today I've heard something that slaps me right in the face that reminds I should have stopped caring a while ago. As if what I've been doing was over mistaken, I can't take any step towards them anymore. And I can't do such that things, so I let myself bleeding inside because the only thing they need to know is everything will be going just fine.

Just like few days ago...

X: (stare, deeply sigh)
Y: What? Chill out, things are going to be done.
X: You sure? I'm not.
Y: So you don't believe in me no more?
X: Nope, the only thing I believe is now I'm in trouble.
Y: I've never missed what I should be done, you know exactly.
X: Really? It's been just yesterday, you were not, dude...
Y: At least it's finished!
X: Hey, not at all... (pathetically laughing)
Y: I've never put you in trouble!
X: But you put yourself in there, right?
Y: It's my business anyway why the fuck you're getting involved?!
X: (go on before any tears drop by)

GODDAMN THIS TOO MUCH FUCKING DRAMA WOULD SOMEBODY GET ME OUT FROM HERE?

Nobody's home.

2011-10-20T20:07:00.003+07:00

Have you ever laid on the floor as you stepped after the door and just cried? Cried because you were never good enough though you've tried so hard. Cried because the only thing you've mastered at is only cried. Cried because your family is dysfunctional, but you're just the kid who can't do shit about it. Cried because your friends are so out of reach whereas the matter of their presence is overrated. Cried because your college and all of its contains; the people, the academical things, keep pushing you so fucking tight that you can barely breathe. But they tell you to stop complaining, that you have it much better than the kids in Africa. You don't want to be a burden, so you bottle it all up. Around them, you're the happiest bitch laughing all the stupid things yet nobody knows; you've had the toughest time every time you're back alone.

Trust me, I know how it feels.

Sampah.

2011-10-13T22:12:00.008+07:00

Heyyo wassap cikidap cikidap gudbai!

.....
.............

.....

Maaf sedikit menyampah, you know why hidup semakin lelah sob! Lelah dalam banyak artian; lelah fisik, lelah mental, lelah hati... hati-hati di jalan nanti hatinya ditilang. Ya aduh emang udah akut sakit gue kayaknya, buru-buru deh pada minta maaf sebelum semua terlambat.............

Ngga deng canda, masih waras kok hanya agak kacau aja suasana lahir dan batin. Plis ga usah dilanjutin bacanya—kayak ada yang baca—karena mungkin ujungnya cuma bikin pengin lo nyambit gue pake batu macem jemaah haji di arab sana. Masih baca? Serah lo deh ga maksa, asal jangan suka maksa aja kalo ga mau dipaksa.

Oke, jadi ceritanya...... hari ini adalah salah satu hari yang cukup menyebalkan di minggu yang juga cukup menyebalkan dalam sejarah perkuliahan. Hari-hari pertama di minggu ini gue sakit, berasa sok imut banget ga bisa ngapa-ngapain terkapar doang di kasur. Hari ketiga balik ngampus lagi tau-tau tugas udah berkembang biak begitu cepat. Emang sih mostly tugas kelompok, tapi justru itu......... iya kalo kelompoknya bener, kalo orang-orangnya kayak gue semua apa kabarnya itu review jurnal dan soal-soal statistik yang belum disentuh sama sekali padahal deadline tinggal 4 hari. Hey hey jangan senang dulu, sekarang kondisinya lebih menyebalkan sehingga kemudian daripada itu marilah kita berdoa menurut ajaran dan kepercayaan masing-masing.

Itu baru masalah tugas, belom masalah-masalah yang lainnya. Pengin curhat dikit, gue lagi deg-degan aja nih. Mungkin buat yang kenal sama gue, itu pun ga banyak yang tau, walau pun dari luar gue terlihat pedegilanyampahabiskelakuanlo tapi sebenernya sejujurnya perasaanku begitu rapuh bagai gelas kaca dan sangat sensitif bagai testpack. Beberapa hari ke depan sepertinya akan menjadi pembuktian seberapa besar keberanian gue untuk melawan diri gue sendiri, in case gue ga bisa cerita disini masalahnya apa, tapi mudah-mudahan apa yang pada akhirnya terjadi adalah yang terbaik bagi Indonesia agar bisa tembus piala dunia ga tau kapan.

Terus, apa lagi... apa lagi... sudah lupakan segala cerita antara kita ku tak ingin ku tak ingin kau terluka. Gitu deh intinya ga ada intinya, liat aja judulnya. Fyi gue baru sampe rumah dan bukannya ngerjain apa yang seharusnya dikerjain tapi malah ngerjain apa yang seharusnya ga dikerjain. Capek gitu kaki gue cenat-cenut kayak boyband papan atas dalam negeri. Jauh sekali jarak kampus dan rumahku asal kalian tahu saja..... untung ada temanku sesama anak-anak tolol yang menemani sampai di rumahnya masing-masing. Berasa banget pas giliran ga ada mereka, perjalanan ini terasa sangat menyedihkan. Apalagi kalo udah gerimis, buka kaca dikit angin sepoi-sepoi, radio muterin lagu-lagu—ehem agak gengsi nih nyebutnya—galau, terus tiba-tiba nyadar gitu kayak ada yang ilang. Nengok ke bawah, ngelus dada, eh ternyata hatinya yang ga ada. Diambil siapa dibawa kemana... coba kita bertanya pada rumput yang bergoyang.

Btw ini photo of the day gitu ceritanya, tadi di kelas gue bikin video autobiografi part 1—ini serius ga boong—di laptopnya si Tyas, berdurasi 18 menit 22 detik coming soon di youtube. Yah, memang hari ini hari yang sangat produktif—nada sarkasme—dengan 2 mata kuliah yang kesemuanya dibatalin karena ga ada dosen (backsound: bunyi jangkrik dari kejauhan).

Udah ah ngantuk pengin bobo, dadaaaah!

After the rain.

2011-10-09T22:50:00.007+07:00

What's been happening these previous days is literally, rain. Am I too wrong if I would always thought that whatever happens in nature has its conspiracy with humans ourselves? Maybe heaven only knows.

I've got sick these last two days—too bad it took my, almost, entire weekend—seems like the never ending trouble with asthma doesn't always have the right timing of mine. I don't remember aching, don't remember how to respire well, don't remember anything but to forget what I've been remembering. It's been quiet a really really hard week, where you put on all the effort to forget what you've been remembering. I've told so, and on.

Now is ten past eleven, I was about freak out why I haven't slept at time like this but that split second I realize tomorrow I only am not going to campus. I've fed myself up having less breath on the road, alone, and that might be rewinding the case I was panic that I called my Mom and she was panic that she called my friend and he was panic that he called everyone. There will be no need to no more, so let me stay on my room instead and take my blanket off right after the rain.

But you know what, sometimes there are times when life is forcing us to dance through its rain rather than playing hide and seek not to get wet. For whom they were always there on those times, I thank God can't say enough. Who's missed out? You gotta meet Ichy then; after me, Dinda, and Pungky, and the club can't even handle her right now—lol.

What silly is.

2011-10-06T19:57:00.007+07:00

I'm sitting here on my Dad's room, messing up his desk within his pc while he now is sleeping on his bed behind my back. God bless his room, it is enlightened with such great internet connection and I'm like, why can't it work out on my own?

Quiet a hectic day, followed by these previous weeks I've been on campus. Sophomore syndrome, we finally said it. I have my mood swinging around popping from the bottom to the top, and so on in reverse. Hours ago I've just got home, parked the car, haven't taken bath yet, tasks are waiting; such as holy shits what a life I'm having. Like inhale, exhale; keep on repeat as my heartbeat starts to defeat.

And all of a sudden, the tune just randomly shuffles a song that creeps on my mind. It's a lot like freezing, like playing back memories as the words come out. The sing-along time, the traffic line, the silly voice mode: on, rebound something I have lost with all the missing parts which remain to long. The silence tears I hide, the hurricane inside nobody can see. What the fuck I have been involved anyway.

I still can't keep myself from determine this as another thing I don't deserve to ask. Because right then whatever will be, only will be. That everything doesn't always happen for a reason, that everyone doesn't always come with intention. Just let it be, we have eventually known that growing up is not as fun as we thought it would be. I'm really running out of fucks to give about this constant problem. But if you dare to look me in the eye I'll make sure you'll know what I mean.

Good night.

The bonds.

2011-10-01T23:07:00.003+07:00

I've been having no idea about what is going to happen if I don't meet her few years back then. This is not a dedicated to post, just because she turns 19th yesterday. This could be more than that. Anytime, any place...... whenever people sucks we've always found each other.

She's one of my best friends, thanks to God for showering me people like Nurul Aisyah, Andini Ramadhanti Putri, Dinda Niken Rachmatianti, Muthiah, Dea Prameswari, and Pungky Kusumastutie. These are the top list homes nowadays I've been belonging to, and may it will last until death does us apart. Because you know what, even if all the world is fucked me up yet as long as I have them, life is still worth it.

Siang.

2011-09-26T12:42:00.006+07:00

Siang siang aku pulang,
dengan tugas segudang dan hati yang usang.

...
.....

...................

Iya tau kok, fail. Terus kenapa masih ditulis? Gatau deh, biar asik aja. Abis bingung mau naro pick up line apa lagi. Halo apa kabar miss me gak? Nah tuh deh lebih fail lagi kan. Kalo kata becandaan temen-temen gue tadi, yang seriously gak lucu tapi tetep bikin ngakak karena emang gak ada niat ngelucu, itu namanya gejala otak 'nyengsol' alias mencong alias geser. Demi apapun baru denger gue kata-kata itu dan kocak aja kalo disebutin; nyengsol, nyengsol, nyengsol..... I mean, lol wtf?!

Oke, marilah di skip. Jadi ceritanya sekarang udah memasuki minggu ketiga dari masa perkuliahan semester tiga. Banyak hal yang terjadi dalam selang waktu tersebut; dari tumpukan tugas tiap minggu yang gak berhenti-henti, sampe rapat-rapat kepanitiaan yang gak kenal jam. Menyenangkan sepertinya kalo dijalanin dengan ikhlas, tapi tetep aja, capeknya itu lho berasa banget. Dan kadang gue masih suka mikir, sebenernya ngapain sih gue disini?

Ngapain ya..... ngapain... adalah satu pertanyaan yang gak abis-abis buat dicari jawabannya. Setahun, adaptasi. Dua tahun, percobaan. Tapi mau kapan settle-nya coba kalo terus-terusan nyari excuse? Karena terkadang emang cara terbaik untuk ngejalanin apa yang gak sesuai dengan keinginan kita adalah dengan menerima terlebih dahulu apa yang udah terjadi sebagai konsekuensi dari apa yang pernah kita lakukan. Gue mungkin agak telat untuk menyadari hal ini, setelah gue berkaca dari orang-orang di sekitar gue dan menemukan bahwa beberapa di antaranya sedang mencari hal-hal yang mereka sendiri gak tau apa. Menyedihkan, ya? Dan gue gak mau seperti itu either, that doesn't mean gue menganggap diri gue sendiri udah bener tapi seenggaknya, gue tau apa yang seharusnya gue lakukan untuk tidak membuat keadaan yang udah buruk menjadi lebih buruk. Got it?

Bahwa pada akhirnya semua balik lagi ke diri masing-masing, mau dibawa kemana hubu— bukan, mau dibawa kemana besok, lusa, hari-hari selanjutnya, kalo hari ini masih gak tau mau ngapain. Karena gak satupun ada yang bisa nolong kita whereas we don't have any intention to help us ourselves. Jadi, begitulah. Life goes on and it won't wait for who remains to stay.

Well, sepertinya cukup. Heaven sent is now I'm home already, about to re-watch Gossip Girl —omg have you ever noticed how adorable Blair or am I too late to still deeply in love with them—under the blanket and turn the lights off. Yes, I love (this) Monday.

Tugasnya apa kabar? Baik-baik aja insya Allah :)

One raining Friday evening.

2011-09-18T22:00:00.004+07:00

A week within college days..... instantly drives me mad. I'm lucky tho God showered me by some left genuine people around which I still can count on as every second goes by.

I love you like a red shirt!

Dear self,

2011-09-18T21:16:00.007+07:00

the moment you write this, you must be overwhelmed by such a chaotic situation that leads you into a long period of confusion. But there's also one thing you should know from the upfront; you only got accidentally attached with someone whom once you've thought the bond you both have will last at least longer than yesterday.

You mean, who wouldn't miss that bond? That comfortable feeling, where you could talk for hours about everything and not have a problem with the silence in the middle. All the ridiculous stuffs you did, stupid or not, everything was so preciously fun. Endless nights, real talks, the 'remember whens' you remember it all. And how sad can define when you've finally become the last person who knows what is up on that person's world whereas back then you used to always be the first. It's funny what life does, how it could give you things and take it away so soon.

It's not that you haven't tried. You have been watching that person in only one mile distance, building up the wall that not high enough so anytime that person needs you, that person still can run back and can't barely climb in a blink of an eye. But then you realise at the moment you're still going nowhere, that person keeps walking away instead finding things nobody like you can't understand. So the only thing left you have to do is to draw the line of determination from desperation. Know why, it's either wasting time helping someone who has no intention to help them themselves. And unfortunately, that one person is one of them above.

Now what makes you afraid the most is not losing one of 'the close people' in your life, but by too much worrying whether that person is only doing fine with that person's life because in reverse, you're not doing fine without that person. You can say you're right, you're seemed all okay, but how many tear drops upon your pillow anytime you miss that person? And by the time you write this, you just can't imagine how tomorrow goes on when you finally meet that person again because you have promised yourself not to care as much as you did unless you supposed to fall in the same hole twice. You really can't get it to your head that you grow distant from people and that good things come to an end sooner or later. But along the way you'll learn one thing about life; it goes on, you just gotta pick yourself up and learn to keep up. So here you put the full stop.

ps: if 'that person'—I put no she or he refers to— will accidentally read this, which I'm sure they might, just so you know I have no idea no more to make everything better so we can talk in some proper words like we used to—or maybe I really am never good enough for everybody I love.

Blabla-blah.

2011-09-13T21:21:00.009+07:00

Hai geng, gue kangen deh. Kangen kelas kita yang dulu tiap hari pesta, yang dulu tiap jam kosong lempar-lemparan bola atau main hoodie mummy sampe dipanggil BK. Gue masih inget dulu satpam sekolah sampe bosen ngunciin kita di luar gerbang karena selalu telat dan malah kesenengan karena gak jadi belajar. Tiap hari jumat pagi pas jam olahraga, sederetan ngakunya gak bawa baju kucing-kucingan sama si bos. Seru sebenernya kalo diinget-inget, tapi gue kok malah sedih ya?

Cengeng gak sih kalo sekarang gue nangis? Gue capek. Capek pura-pura. Capek bilang iya-iya aja. Capek ngurusin ini-itu. Capek ngadepin orang banyak muka. Capek ngerasain hal yang sama berulang kali setelah sekian lama. Capek diem aja ketika gue tau ada yang salah. Capek nebak-nebak besok apa lagi yang jadi masalah. Capek bikin orang percaya sama gue tapi nggak sebaliknya. Capek nyetir ke depok. Capek kuliah. Iya, lebay, baru juga 2 hari masuk kuliah lagi. Tapi justru itu, apa kabar 3 tahun lagi?

Kenapa sih kuliahnya pada jauh-jauh? Kenapa sih banyak tugas banyak rapat banyak ini banyak itu? Kenapa sih bbm pending tiap malem? Banyak banget yang mau gue ceritain kalo lo semua disini sekarang. Tau gak satu hal yang paling mengganggu pikiran gue sekarang? Gue kayak gak kenal sama diri gue sendiri. Sering banget tiba-tiba kaget dan freak out sendiri kenapa gue gak bisa melakukan hal-hal yang biasa gue lakuin pas sama lo semua atau sebaliknya. Gue nggak, atau mungkin belum bisa, nemuin kenyamanan yang gue rasain seperti ketika gue berada di antara lo semua. Coba boleh sehari aja balik ke SMA lagi, mana tau ada hal yang bisa gue lakuin di hari itu untuk bikin hari ini jadi lebih baik.

Cepetan pulang lagi dong biar bisa kumpul di 'rumah' lagi :')

Kepadamu,

2011-09-12T21:18:00.002+07:00

aku menyimpan cemburu dalam harapan yang tertumpuk oleh sesak dipenuhi ragu. Terlalu banyak ruang yang tak bisa aku buka. Dan, kebersamaan cuma memperbanyak ruang tertutup. Mungkin, jalan kita tidak bersimpangan. Ya, jalanmu dan jalanku. Meski diam-diam, aku masih saja menatapmu dengan cinta yang malu-malu. Aku dan kamu, seperti hujan dan teduh. Pernahkah kau mendengar kisah mereka? Hujan dan teduh ditakdirkan bertemu, tetapi tidak bersama dalam perjalanan.

(Hujan dan Teduh, Wulan Dewatra)

A week ahead to college.

2011-09-06T22:21:00.003+07:00

Ya, September already.

Can't believe I've almost had 4 months holiday backward, like seriously where have I been? Don't get too excited nor too freak out about how things are going to be, I'm just... omg what I'm supposed to say, a little bit curious yet scared. I don't know but I've been following things up here and everything will be just became so much hectic on this month. It's getting worse because basically I'm a type of person who can't easily say no at things people ask me to do. Whatever will be, will fucking be.

Wish me luck!

Maaf

2011-08-30T23:45:00.004+07:00

I don't get why this person keeps aching me back over and over again. Hope you're happy over there, the past is done you jackass thanks for ruining today. (me, 12 hours ago)

Gue tau, mungkin gak seharusnya gue mengeluarkan kata-kata di atas, di hari yang seharusnya gue bisa belajar memaafkan dan meminta maaf kepada orang-orang di sekitar gue, terlebih orang-orang yang karena satu dan lain hal pernah berada dalam suatu keadaan yang gak enak dengan gue. Tapi ternyata, mau sekeras apapun gue menahan diri untuk bersikap baik—seperti seolah-olah gak terjadi apa-apa—gak bakal ada gunanya kalau pihak yang disana gak pernah ada kemauan untuk benar-benar memaafkan dan meminta maaf.

Ceritanya dimulai (lagi) dari seminggu yang lalu, ketika dengan tiba-tiba orang ini menghubungi gue setelah sekian lama gak ada kabar berita. Orang ini, orang yang 4 tahun lalu menjadi salah satu orang yang cukup berarti dalam hidup gue. Orang yang 3 tahun lalu menjadi salah satu alasan masa-masa sekolah yang sangat tidak menyenangkan bagi gue. Orang yang 2 tahun lalu menjadi salah satu pemicu sakit hati yang anehnya membuat gue semakin kuat. Orang yang 1 tahun lalu—pada akhirnya kembali—menjadi teman gue, yang hari ini—pada akhirnya kembali—menjadi orang asing buat gue.

Seminggu yang lalu, dia cerita tentang suatu hal yang notabene adalah masalah dia kepada gue. Awalnya gue sedikit bertanya-tanya kenapa, ada apa, what suddenly brings you here? Dan pada akhirnya gue cuma bisa dengerin cerita dia dan ngasih solusi sebisa gue, karena katanya masalah ini ada hubungannya sama gue. Selesai? I thought so, tapi ternyata belum. Beberapa hari kemudian, semuanya serba tiba-tiba, he removed me (again) from his contact. Well, gue masih berusaha berpikir positif, mungkin dia ganti contact, atau handphonenya rusak, atau another someshits like that. Sampai akhirnya hari ini gue mencoba menghubungi dia lagi—seriously I have no offense but to sincerely apology—dan dia, oke, this is the most part I hate, me-remove gue lagi dari contactnya. Gak lama dia menghubungi gue via sms dan bilang, "You can only reach me by this—as I allow so."

I'm like wtfasdfghjklmnbvcxzqwertyuiop?! I mean, who wouldn't?!

Mungkin sebenernya gue gak perlu mem-publish hal seperti ini, tapi jujur aja, this thing is such a really big pain in the ass since a long long ago and still continues. I have a life, you have a life, then why wouldn't we live our own without tearing apart each other? I'm like seriously already tired with this never-ending high school drama. If anything, will happen again between us, make sure that once again; the past is done, is done.

And at the end of these words, dear friend, if you accidentally read this, I have forgiven you since so long and so I have been asking you also for sorry. Mungkin terlalu banyak hal-hal yang gak enak yang terjadi selama kita kenal, dan mungkin juga kata maaf gak cukup untuk membuat semuanya menjadi lebih baik. Memang selalu ada kesempatan, tapi bisa apa sih kalo gak ada kemauan? Karena ketika emosi mengalahkan logika, terbukti, kan, banyakan ruginya?

Mom is gone for good, Dad is stayed for good—so are we, over for good.

The First Day of Syawal

2011-08-30T23:26:00.004+07:00

Here comes the day which have been waited by all of the Moslems all over the world. I thought we—in Indonesia—would be celebrate it on the same date yet some of us have been already doing solat Eid today and some others will be just tomorrow.

A classic case that often happens from year to year but this year, the first day of Syawal really feels so quiet. There's no takberat along the night, and all the mosques around my house were still doing solat tarawih which stated the Ramadhan was still through. It's like, when me and my Dad has celebrated it today, Eyang will be still do it tomorrow. Never been this craving to taste ketupat tomorrow—oh, please.

However, Eid Mubarak everyone! Taqabal Allahu minna wa minkum, minal aidin wal faidzin, may all the prayers we've done throughout last month are accepted by The Almighty, and may Allah will be with us always. Have a blast Eid!

ps: got surprised accidentally meet Icong & her family this early morning, thousands bless!

The Last Days of Ramadhan

2011-08-30T22:22:00.005+07:00

A little bit confused about where I have to start from since it's been so long after the last time I've written here. But that one thing for sure, Al Wada yaa Ramadhan aka bulan puasa berakhir sudah. Banyak hal yang terjadi dalam kurang lebih satu bulan ini, which is good or bad, too many words can't be enough.

To be honest, Ramadhan tahun ini agak berbeda dengan tahun-tahun sebelumnya. I got my college holiday all the month, sesuatu yang udah lama gak terjadi yaitu libur sebulan penuh di bulan puasa, bet you don't have any idea how I really miss my childhood back then. Those lately days I was still working tho—remember my part time job—but what makes it different is I didn't meet my friends in most days as we used to—whether we fast or not lol—and do things together.

How about the family? Well, so on, I've still got two houses to break the fast when it comes. It's more than just fine, isn't it? Moreover I've got another family chosen by myself, guess you don't mind to meet some of them.

I surely may ask this, would we meet again another year ahead? I hope—so.

Can't we go back in time?

2011-08-22T14:38:00.002+07:00

Still can't believe how time's too fast to fly. We've met over 4 years ago, in the beginning of high school, and as time goes by—things just happen. People grow up, in such many ways not always are together. But one thing I got from the entire friendship that it is not inseparable, because although we have been separated, still nothing changes.

That night I wonder, how everything was a lot simpler back then.

All that we know was changing homework, running down the corridor, screaming out loud when the thunder came over our 4th level classroom. There could be nothing we worried at much as everyday went by—that uniform and shoes-tied were all them watching. Haven't forgotten how sweet the thing we called love at the moment—and how now on it turns to be something too big to understand.

Oh sure, we can never go back in time—High School is still for the win.

Home in our own.

2011-08-19T13:32:00.005+07:00

and if home is really where the heart is
then we're the smartest kids I know
because wherever we are in this great big world
we'll never be more than a few hours from home
(Kimya Dawson, Rollercoaster)

There is no guarantee for such unbreakable bond to be last forever but as long as it is tied still, hold on. People will constantly feel lost and want to be saved yet they don't see that they actually got it from many blessings they forgot to count on. I know, I know, somehow this circumstance still needs an escape but what if eventually the only possible way out is only to let it be?

ps: just to make sure you got everything you need, a home in your own :)

So last year?

2011-08-15T14:18:00.013+07:00

Baru buka-buka folder foto lama dan found this, freshmen year yang ga berasa udah setahun berjalan. In between percaya ga percaya nanti masuk-masuk udah bukan maba lagi. And suddenly everything's just become... so last year.

Where have I been?

2011-08-12T19:48:00.004+07:00

I've been too busy these lately days, I don't know where I have been either but my friends often ask me that—only because I've become a kind of hard to reach person of the week. The thing is everything was going on that way—just like that—yet I easily forget what it's been.

To be honest, last week were kind of terrible for me. But if you ask me now, how thing goes on afterward, I am literally all okay, eventually. For at least I'm trying to, and hopefully it was succeed. I've become a home girl—lol—believe it or not. Every weekend I've been spending at rumah Eyang with the whole of big family, breakfasting together and praying tarawih after having dinner. That's simply relieving, I am happy I ain't lying. Yet I've got my weekdays within my 9 to 5 part time job, quiet exhausted but I've had such many lessons to learn, also many places and people new to work with. It will be ended about less than a month during my rest holiday—still can't believe I've already missed out my normal college routine back.

So, where have you been?

Gotta catch em soon for I missed those long nights again like—SERIOUSLY.

Tanya kenapa?

2011-08-05T20:14:00.006+07:00

"Lagian lo gak ada apa-apa suka sok sedih, drama queen banget." (Samuel)

Itu kata-kata sahabat gue ketika suatu malam tanpa alasan yang jelas gue nangis sesenggukan ke dia, sangat amat to-the-point. Aneh emang, gue juga lupa apa yang bikin gue nangis. Dan setiap ditanya kenapa, beberapa detik gue mikir untuk ngasih jawaban, nggak juga jelas apa alasan sebenernya. Begini, mungkin gue tau rasanya, sedih, gak enak, berantakan. Tapi kalo ditanya penyebabnya, gue bingung. Aneh, ya?

Dan itulah yang akhir-akhir ini sering gue rasain. How life is treating me, sepertinya sedang sangat tidak bersahabat. Gue gak merasa nyaman berada di tempat gue berada dengan orang-orang yang juga berada bersama gue. I've got trouble with myself, entah apa namanya, low self-esteem? Ya, apapun itu yang pada akhirnya memaksa gue untuk membangun jarak dengan sekitar. Gue gak tau ini bener atau nggak, tapi yang jelas, gue merasa cukup nyaman. Ngunci kamar seharian, gak keluar rumah semingguan, gak jawab telepon/sms/bbm/twitter sampe bener-bener penting. Kedengerannya cheesy tapi emang bener, too many cruel people out there—lol.

Well, if only I could have a wish, semoga Allah memudahkan 3 tahun ke depan, disini—di tempat gue terdampar disini, whether I'd stay or not, whether I haven't dead or not—karena jujur aja, untuk lebih berat dari ini—sepertinya akan teramat sangat susah untuk bisa dijalani.

Atau mungkin, apa memang gak setiap 'kenapa' punya 'karena'? Kenapa?

A name in every pray.

2011-08-01T13:54:00.006+07:00

I'm having a name in every pray. A silence pray that I let them locked inside for only Allah and I has to know. I don't expect anything to this person anymore; because there is nothing more for him to do, he already done everything. I have enough of him in my head to last forever. I don't know whether Will Donner ever exists in this real world or not but those things he did to Emma Twist—in Waiting for Forever—are simply intoxicating.

I'm having a name in every pray. Well, I have been through it somehow, and hope everyone has been too. I don't think I could have any bigger deal of losing like this no more, because you know what, this is kind of the—third, exactly—biggest losing I have ever had. Overmore it ends by such unspoken goodbye that only made it worse to me at least for these last couple weeks. But life goes on, doesn't it? And all we gotta do is only to pick ourselves up and learn how to keep up.

I'm having a name in every pray. This is—something I strengthen myself to do—an idea of honesty and sincerity. You don't beg for anything back, you just go on and believe that there is no such wasteful things by keep on doing good. There will be a better time, a better person—though a part of me somehow still wishing this point won't change—,and a better reason for something best to happen.

I'm—still—having a name in every pray. And I know Allah listens—so if I had one wish—, it would be that his life brings him a taste of happiness he has brought to me, that he can feel what it is like to love.

Have a blissful Ramadhan :)

It's been a long time, isn't it?

2011-07-30T14:25:00.004+07:00

Well, seems like I can't abandon this blog way too long, so here I am back writing again. I don't know, I've found it's kinda easier writing on the blog since I'd always need some space to tell how life goes on. I've made a tumblr yet, you know, but when I stared on that page I just thought why bother it seems so depressed? I know it shouldn't be that way, but at that time, I really am, what, okay, depressed.

Did I tell you that I have a nightmare? Yes, that third fucking nightmare. I can't feel anything that time—I'm not too much—everyday passed by it gets harder than before. But hey, it has been two weeks after my birthday, and then I realise there was no use to fall asleep crying—no more—every single night. Because when I said, "It's over," another part of me was always asking back, "Was it ever on?" Hahaha that doesn't even make sense, right?

So there the story goes—well, yeah maybe, I don't know either—just like that. And what I learned yesterday that there will always be some people who tell your life is much worth it when you can't tell it yourself. See, who could ask more for blessings if God has given us more than enough?

my 7 years old best friend, Biyan

enough familiar? yep she's Icong, my sister from another mother

meet Dea, my best partner in crime (if not weird not my friend, De!)

another sisters from another mothers, Nikon & Muthe

walcom divas aka Devina, Andini, Chiquita, too bad Ranindra's going home first
ps: I miss Caroline, Dinda, & Samuel so sooo bad & also Diva, Hesti, & Anita, and Mandibir, where have you all been?

And at the end of the day, I only hope you will find whatever you have been looking for. I'm—trying to be seemed—all okay, eventually. Please, don't interrupt my performance.

Have a nice weekend :)

Deactivated.

2011-07-19T23:12:00.006+07:00

I moved.

http://ioverthinknomore.tumblr.com/

I deactivate this blog for such uncertain times. I don't think tumblr can change things either but at least now I overthink no more. PS: there's always the truth behind sarcasm. Write back soon.

The third nightmare's progressing on.

2011-07-17T16:43:00.009+07:00

I have a nightmare. I hate to say it either.

That split second, when I woke up, I don't know if it was real or not. I fell so hard into a deep hole, and that's actually what is been. And then I realise, this is the third same fucking nightmare. The first and the second had happened both in five and three years ago.

You know, we don't make plan to fall. We just—fall. Yet I can barely fall, actually, but once I fall, it would be so hard. And it's kind of frustrating, having days ahead to spend within a broken heart. Well, that is it. A traumatic feeling that plays back after such long time I've done to remove. I can't feel anything this time, and I don't know how long again it will last. It's just—too difficult to feel worthy when it's been three times that the worth three persons in my life have made me feel—worthless.

So I hope—you have a nightmare too. A double-decker bus will hit you. And everyone on the street walks over your dead body. And the lighter seller is going to burn you to ash. And if I can't drop you to hell, karma fucking will.

ps: this blog is done here, until whenever I don't know.

Well,

2011-07-16T14:47:00.004+07:00

it's like, once I sat down and looked at the situation, all the pieces lying on the floor, it just wasn't a puzzle anymore. None of the pieces fit together. And even if I tried really hard, the pieces, well they were two different puzzles.

(Unknown) - Source: suciputimelati's

The 13th of July.

2011-07-16T14:31:00.004+07:00

And as I've blown the candles, another year is gone.
I'm 19 and grateful ♡

2011-07-10T23:03:00.001+07:00

LOL FUCK YOU.

It's been a month & half holiday...

2011-07-10T22:16:00.003+07:00

...and life goes through. People come, people go; so does time. This is how I remembered what I have done within this long holiday. Go out of town twice so far, hang out with friends, and so on. Fun yet guilty, I mean, is there anything I can do without wasting money and working out to other people?

The answer eventually, yes there is.

Tomorrow is officially the first day I am going to work, a part time job as a social worker. Whatever it's called, never been this excited. I'll maybe spend some weeks ahead related with woman's justice thingy, which that's where they move around. What an opportunity, how lucky I am. The rest of holiday, or maybe the rest of my life, the most important thing to do is to be useful to others' life, right?

Well, there we go to my another sisters. Have you ever heard this line: 'Friends are those family you choose by yourself'? There is no doubt, thank God I got such many sisters-brothers-ketemu-gede lol. And by the way, I'm about going 19 in days... too bad they'll be flying to Bali on the same date. Kinda having no idea whom with I'll be through that day, yet I'm still blessed tho I have them.

lovelovelove!

Java.

2011-07-10T21:00:00.009+07:00

Hola, miss me already?

...

.....

Well, skip. So there the story goes... seminggu kemarin gue liburan keliling Jawa (cuma sampe Jogja sebenernya, tapi kata bokap gue judulnya keliling Jawa biar asik aja gitu). Menempuh perjalanan darat sejauh 1400 kilometer bersama ayah dan adik tercinta, sayang sekali ibu tidak ikut serta. Ok, that's not the point. I'm going to tell you within these pictures, they sometimes tell us better than words, kan? Cekidot.

Candi Borobudur - Magelang.

Walaupun bukan kali pertama gue kesini, it doesn't make less sense. Ini tempat pertama yang gue kunjungi setelah melalui perjalanan berangkat jalur pantura dalam tempo waktu sekitar 12 jam. Hari pertama transit di Magelang, pagi-pagi langsung cus ke Jogja.

Sendangsono - Wates, Kulonprogo, Jogjakarta.

Ini adalah tempat ziarah umat Katolik di sebelah barat Jogjakarta (kalo gak salah). Jalan masuknya sekitar 7 kilometer melewati perbukitan dimana kanan kiri adalah jurang. Tapi semuanya worth it pas udah nyampe tempatnya. Viewnya oke, suasananya apalagi... relieving. I'm moslem though, tapi I recommend this place as a must place to visit kalo mau tur keliling Jawa.

Malioboro - Jogjakarta.

One night in Jogja feels like don't wanna go home. Is it me or everyone does? Raise your hands up! Hahaha, kota yang satu ini emang ngangenin, selalu dan selalu bikin pengin balik lagi kesana. Itu kata-kata gue dapet dari tukang becak yang telah bersedia menjadi tour-guide gue semaleman nganterin ke pabrik bakpia, gudeg alun-alun, muter di kauman sampe jalan sosrowijayan aka kampung halamannya si Pungky temen gue yang cantik-cantik random (?) Anyway, above is my super hardcore Dad. I bet doi lupa kalo gini-gini gue anak cewek... lol.

Keraton Ngayogyakarta - Jogjakarta.

Lagi-lagi bukan kali pertama, tapi tetep aja no less sense as the first time. Everybody knows how its greatness look like, eh?

Baturraden - Purwokerto.

Nah, tempat ini berada di jalur selatan, jadi sekalian lewat jalan pulang ke Jakarta gitu. Gak jauh beda sama daerah pegunungan pada umumnya, disini hawanya sejuk, airnya dingin, banyak yang jual sate kelinci (?) Oke, I'm not good to make a review. Kesini aja deh coba sekali-sekali, pemandangannya... bagusssh :')

Green Canyon - Pangandaran.

Ini tuh... apa ya bentuknya, rawa? Iya rawa, asli keren banget. Pas naik perahu gue rada serem aja tiba-tiba oleng gara-gara ada buayanya kayak di alligator gitu kan... tapi ngga kok, aman. Oh, sekedar info, tempat ini juga banyak bulenya.

Pantai Batu Karas - Pangandaran.

Overall, ini tempat terakhir yang gue kunjungi sebelum melanjutkan perjalanan pulang jalur selatan. Pantainya masih bersih, dan juga masih sedikit orang yang dateng jadi lautnya gak kayak cendol. Worth it kok, walaupun my skin gets burned afterward :')

So how's your holiday?

Are you satisfied if...?

2011-06-28T23:37:00.006+07:00

A: "Why'd you still be alone after all this time?"
B: "Pardon?"
A: "Yeah, I mean, aren't you looking for any relationship?"
B: "What the hell..."
A: "What the hell with you? I guess it won't be that hard for you to get a boyfriend."
B: "Not as simple as that."
A: "Haven't you moved on? Oh come on, another year flies by."
B: "No, I have. I'm just... tired of those things."
A: "You mean?"
B: "I've been into relationships before. We started, we broke up. We gave sweet things, we spitted shits out. We reached up above, we fell down below. What's the point? We wasted our time, our money, even our tears for some things that we could laugh on afterward, like: what the fuck I've been doing? And now I'm tired of those things, that's all."
A: "Know what? You're a piece of bullshit. You just haven't met the one, have you?"
B: "How could you convince that this person was just the one? I thought my first until my last were the one but then they proved me wrong."
A: "It's awful, your heart was petrified. Break the ice, don't you give a try?"
B: "That every time I do, I guess it doesn't even work out. Some boys were just playing around; they made me believe that something, you know, will happen between us but then they left me hanging. Some others are jerk; they took advantage from me, cheated on another girls, and even told clearly doesn't want to get into relationship. That sucks, right?"
A: "But not all the boys are like that, you can't take it generally. What if, in case you have many boy friends, don't you? Sure that you know them so well, why don't you pick one of them, for example?"
B: "I know, I didn't take it generally. I've been falling in those holes, over and over again. And it seems like that's no lucky I'm in love with my best friend. There was always nothing more, even when I know that there was something going wrong, I keep silent not because I don't know; I simply don't want to break anything even with the truth."
A: "What's the matter with you?!"
B: "Listen, I like being on my own. I'm not an orphan, I've got many friends; I'm completely alive. I drive my own car, I pay my own bill, I clean my own shit. Well, it would be nice having a partner who makes day by day through easier in two shoulders rather than one, but this time, I'm just tired. Tired of waiting, tired of seeking, tired of... everything's related. Trust me, I'll make my time to think about it later."
A: "But..."
B: "WHAT'S MORE, HUH?! ARE YOU SATISFIED IF I SAY I'M A LESBIAN?"
A: "WHATTT?!"
B: "Then let's stop this stupid talk."

A package.

2011-06-27T14:32:00.019+07:00

I've learned many things this week, this first month of long long holiday. It's not about how it broke me down over again, but how I've finally coped with it somehow. Well, nobody said it was easy but neither they said it would be that hard, kan?

Here the story goes... jadi, beberapa hari terakhir ini sepertinya gue sedang mengalami saat-saat yang menyebalkan berkaitan dengan liburan yang kepanjangan. Begini, di saat teman-teman lo masih pada UAS, atau bahkan ada yang lagi ngambil SP, sedangkan kampus lo udah libur dari kapan tau dan tidak menyelenggarakan SP, apa yang lo lakukan untuk mengisi your everyday-is-sunday? I've got part-time working actually, tapi itu baru mulai Juli aka bulan depan... nah, selebihnya kan total pengangguran, maderfader. Mau jalan terus judulnya ngabis-ngabisin duit, seharian di rumah membusuk mati bosen. Oke, oke, mungkin ini sepele, tinggal bilang aja kan: ngapain kek, udah gede ini. Yak... fail.

Tapi the point is, I came into a circumstance that everything's not been there at the same time. Maksudnya, di saat everybody's been busy with their own things and I feel likely being completely all alone, that's what sucks. If home is wherever your heart belongs to, then even a stranger could say that I'm homeless. It's getting worse with my first day of period, and suddenly everyone just looks like a jerk in my eyes. Terdengar childish memang, tapi mau gimana lagi namanya juga orang lagi sensi. Well then, I've got through that night somehow, and sometimes unconditionally tears really bring you closer to be grateful.

Be grateful, karena sebenarnya we can afford to pass everything that has been happened to us, gimana pun keadaannya. Be grateful, karena sebenarnya we just belong to ourselves to stand along so well, ga peduli seberapa banyak orang yang sekarang kita punya. Lihat keterangan waktunya: sekarang. Mereka bisa bilang mereka ada buat kita, tapi siapa yang bisa memastikan kalo besok semuanya akan tetap seperti hari ketika mereka bilang begitu? It's good for us kalo mereka konsisten dengan kata-katanya itu, tapi bukannya everyone dies in the end? I'm not that skeptic because since I've lost many things, I forced myself to start being real. Just simply tell me if I'm going wrong.

Everybody knows but nobody really knows. Mom and Dad got divorced. One to another boyfriend I've ever had now are becoming an ex. Friends come and go, they usually do; some could be back but the rest are gone forever. Sometimes I only want to hide from the world like this instead but by fucking face it is all that I've got; is all that we've got. Know what happens? That's life. We change, we grow up. We're fucked up; we love, we hurt. We're teenagers, we're still learning somehow.

Keep calm and..... snapshot!

You just can't have back the feeling that you've got like the very moment you have. And what we should believe in that truly God gives happiness and sadness both in one package. So don't be worry, just enjoy the ride. Life is worth it.

That thousands cancer patients are died every each day, God has time for us too.

We've fixed the glass without a scar.

2011-06-27T13:56:00.008+07:00

"Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you'll find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding, but there's also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who's been standing beside you all along."
- Marion St. Claire, Bride Wars.

That pictures could capture we were, and still can capture we are. Watch the tenses, don't you? Well, after some things we've been through which has ever made the relationship between us kinda terrible, now gladly I can say that everything has been back to normal again. It might be awkward at first, I should admit this was so hard to get through, but somehow we know that those problems backward are not even worth to make us lose each other.

Thanks for being my unbiological sister :)

2011-06-23T15:13:00.001+07:00

Ya Allah I'm falling to pieces <///3

I bet nobody wants to hear these... well, me too.

2011-06-20T14:52:00.001+07:00

THREE CHEERS FOR US.

2011-06-20T14:48:00.001+07:00

It's like a part of me already dying, so with a few people left I could still trust and a plenty strength I could still own; I'm on my way to put myself back together.

Know what sucks the most?

2011-06-20T14:41:00.006+07:00

When people whom they mean a lot to you hurt you, whether they mind or not, but you have to act that that was just fine like not a big deal, whereas you know they left a real huge storm in your heart.

Keep calm & burn your cigar on.

Keep calm & carry on.

2011-06-18T13:01:00.007+07:00

Halo, gimana liburannya?

.....

Well, basi. Gak kerasa udah masuk pertengahan Juni, which means masih sekitar 14 minggu lagi liburan akan berakhir. Kemarin, IP semester 2 officially keluar. Gak perlu ditanya berapa, yang jelas gue kecewa... banget.

Begini, mungkin gak bersyukur namanya kalo melihat IP segitu yang menurut gue mengecewakan, yet di sisi lain masih ada yang harus mengulang beberapa mata kuliah. Tapi, semua orang punya target masing-masing kan? Dan yang membuat gue frustrated, target yang gue buat sendiri meleset sangat jauh dari hasil yang gue capai. Sangat jauh, merosot tajam, terjun bebas; whatsofuckingever. Yah memang gak ada pilihan lain selain: ya udahlah terima aja, mau diapain lagi itu juga buah dari kelakuan gue sendiri. Sekarang tinggal gimana ke depannya, gue gak mau menargetkan terlalu tinggi lagi kalo ujungnya bakal bikin diri sendiri kecewa... dan yang paling penting, kurang-kurangin lah kesalahan yang udah-udah. Bisa? Serius, Nis, jangan ngomong doang...

Ada yang bilang nilai bukan segala-galanya. Dipikir-pikir bener juga sih, karena selepas dari krisis akademis di atas, ada satu dan lain hal yang cukup mengganggu pikiran gue. Terlalu kekanak-kanakan kalo sekarang gue bilang, gue gak percaya lagi sama yang namanya sahabat. Best friend my ass. Well, once a glass is broken, however you've tried to mend it, it won't be possibly left unscratched. Dan jangan bilang gue gak usaha to make it work back again, tapi mungkin pihak yang disana juga udah menemukan kadar kenyamanan yang gak lagi sama seperti ketika gelas itu belum pecah. Life doesn't stop for anybody, kok.

At least pada akhirnya, gue memang harus berdamai dengan keadaan.

...

Keep calm & carry on.

Lost.

2011-06-11T19:34:00.006+07:00

"I need help. I don't know what to do with my life." - Ambar, 3 Hari Untuk Selamanya.

The feeling when you want to go back home yet you don't know where it is. The feeling when you want to be with some people who makes you feel safe around yet you don't know where they are. The feeling when you want to press rewind to the time you're feeling home yet you don't know how it can. Those feelings, you are lost.

Maybe I'm within this circumstance right now, why don't you help me out?

Epic fail.

2011-06-05T12:40:00.005+07:00

You might be looking like this...

when in every single day of holiday you ALWAYS say like this,

and ONLY do thing like this,

but ONE MORNING you wake up and find your stomach like this,

OMG.....

OMG..........

OMG...............

I'm like, what I have been doing I loss some pounds effortlessly?! Whoa, not understand anymore aka gapaham lagi, no no no strong aka ga ga gakuat. Well, this is a lil bit too much but I guess I should start to love this holiday. Mom must be proud of me since she's the utmost person who always complained me to do: diet. HAHAHAHAHA NO-PAIN-YES-GAIN.

And oh btw, I've found a fact bellow,

LOL SILLY ME I"M SORRY GOODBYE.

Have you ever been this pathetic?

2011-06-04T14:15:00.005+07:00

"I just know that this is what happens when you don't invite me in."

What the...

2011-06-04T12:59:00.007+07:00

I'm kinda lol my formspring is getting random. You should stop by if you want, I put the link after my twitter on this page. It's like, me being insecure if I put that too serious. I mean, where do you know those things from?

How holiday this long is flatter than ever. I spend twice a week for some therapy, well it's okay backward, I'd always love the smell of hospital but I guess it will be no longer then. Maybe for me, the real definition of enough is: I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Never mind there, all is well is everything I know I will.

Out of that topic, there has been something disturbing me within these days. Am I too much or what, those stranger calls enough freak me out. What's the problem? I'm done expecting, not also overreacting. But that doesn't make me feel even a little relief, because in fact, it hasn't stopped yet by today. Overmore, my car is broken. I don't know what actually happened that now I've been literally stuck at home without any ability to figure out what is going on outside, related with the call and whose the hell voice behind. Silly me, I should have not depended on anything too much by the way. That enough scared me but if I was that wrong, just fyi I've obeyed your ask instead. Case closed, right? So there I put the full stop.

Anyway, since my faculty doesn't hold any short term academic this year, I'm still having no idea what the rest of this holiday I will spend for. Some of my friends ask me to join them applying for part time working, some ask me to just going around and having fun. Unless you're close enough to me, you'll know what matters I say no for this week.

Whereas give me coffee, cigars, and friends... I don't need to see the doctor lol.

2011-06-04T12:49:00.000+07:00

A second more has passed by.

2011-05-31T23:26:00.005+07:00

I'm only awful to see how my hair's abandoned one by one, day by day...
lol I guess I love it too much, God :')

2011-05-30T19:31:00.001+07:00

If I could I would take more polaroids of this time.

2011-05-28T15:09:00.009+07:00

(click on the image for larger, I bet you wanna bite my cheeks :3)

I can't remember the detail what's age I'm in above. How fast time flies, and less than two months I will turn into 19. As I close my eyes sometimes, watching the life I've been living in after this long is undeniably one thing makes me feel one step ahead to death.

Who knows, then? It could be anytime, anywhere, with any unexpected way. I wish this was just an April Mop joke but the calendar was already flipped into May. I'm tired of being struggle yet to give up is not a choice. But at least I'm getting used to, I will cope with this too. I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it, I want to have lived the width of it as well. Is there any plenty of time, God?

"So if there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart. I'll stay there forever." - (Winnie the Pooh to Piglet).

I wish I still have another today.

2011-05-26T19:45:00.010+07:00

This is life. Just because you're breathing doesn't mean you're alive. And what's the hardest part of life like this? Knowing that you'll be apart with the ones who make you more than breathe at the very time you're not alive. If only I could have any huge hands to embrace em all and being with em all the time. But what if I die tomorrow, will they miss me when I'm gone?

In His majesty, He create differences. In my arrogance, I question His wisdom. In His mystery, He create temptation. In my inferiority, He make me more than I am. So here I am, (cin(t)a, 2009), at the time when I'm tired of wondering why.

Allah loves me, Allah loves you, Allah loves us... :')

He found me.

2011-05-19T19:38:00.006+07:00

Anyone else thinks that God is up there playing a big-ass The Sims game right now?

Ha-ha, itu yang ada di pikiran gue beberapa hari terakhir ini. Life is playing me around, up and down over again. But I guess this couldn't stand any longer since this morning, one of my best-boy-friends told me something like, "God is on his way to talk to you."

Yah, whatever will be, will be. Mungkin memang terkadang ada beberapa hal yang gak harus dipertanyakan, jalanin aja, take it for granted. I ever asked Him, once, twice, keep plays on repeat; why does He took away one to another thing I have? Kenapa kalo ujungnya bakal diambil, dulunya dikasih ke gue? Well, sebenernya gak sesederhana itu. Karena ketika Tuhan mengambil sesuatu dari lo, unless it's yours it will be back to you, atau, He will give you a lot of better returns. Klise, ya? Yah, not everyone can see that He ease us much. He knows you well, you don't have to doubt. Gue tanya sama temen gue itu, terus apa kabarnya orang-orang yang masih mengabaikan ini, I mean, orang-orang yang terlalu take it easy, menganggap dia bisa ngelakuin apapun tanpa ada kekuatan dari luar dirinya? Dia bilang, "He will find a way to talk to them too, it's not our capability to interfere His plans."

So, He is on his way to talk to you too; let's hope it won't through any pain in your ass.

Anyway, ini orang yang nyeramahin gue tadi pagi sampe telah habis air mata dan segenap kata-kata. Yaiks, dangdut mode: on. Fyi, namanya Fahmi; he is single and available, rajin solat pandai mengaji lagi. How relieving he calms me (and himself too) down today, I only wish God grants him what he wants so bad this time. Makasih loh sob :')

Sun doesn't shine this Sunday.

2011-05-15T12:14:00.009+07:00

I guess I just need a friend to share some cups of coffee and smoke few cigarettes.

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP?

Forgive and (totally) forget.

2011-05-14T21:01:00.004+07:00

It's not that I give up to catch you back, but I've been tried so hard that I'm tired.

If only people know how much you mean to me. If only they let us be just like what high school made us. If only they feel what hurts inside by losing a slice of their heart. If only, will be if only. I'm glad that we're mature enough to forgive each other, but regret is always coming late. I can't be a part of you I used to be anymore, neither can you. At least that's what my heart refused to show when it talked to you, simply because your heart can't see any sign like it used to.

And as the rain already stops to fall, don't ever stop to run to your sun. Though you can't see me every single time in your sky anymore, like a shooting star I'll be there forever.

Love,
Your sister from another mother... :')

A sweet escape.

2011-05-14T20:02:00.011+07:00

So that I have been away from home in approximately 48 hours. Where have I been? Somewhere... I don't want to remember either, but...

...last night I slept in Dea's home. A random day yet surprisingly being a sweet escape. A long driving toward leads me to soothe again the pieces of this heart they leave me apart. First, it was likely usual, me and Dea again and again. But that day, we kind of kidnapped Ica and Suci into my car and voila, there we've gone some miles away from town.

That's it for this weekend, I guess. My Dad just arrived from his work and I don't think I'll be going again for the rest of these days ahead, though it will be a long weekend holiday, because sincerely I do miss him already. My sister is home too, so is my Mom in her home. And by here, I'm sitting in my room looking backward the memories which I recall back this week. The week of acceptance, the week I saw my (used to be) another best friend in a distance. Know what? I'm sad... :')

But the point is she's not even worth my tears, I hardly told myself but deaf in my ears. I thought maybe the part of letting go will be much easier with the upcoming final exam next week, well I really do hope so. Wish us luck then, would you?

ps: I'm so in love with this... polaroid? LMFAO. Anyway, I thank you for being there De, ha-ha I don't have any knowing if I didn't meet you here, maybe now I'll be back studying again to continue my super-hard-to-reach-dream being a dentist, and you'll go to an art institute instead with your super-hard-to-resist-talent. But fate already brought us here, then what else we could deny? Thank you for ease anything; the getting, the losing, everything. We still owe... 2,5 or no longer than... 3 years more together owrait? Xoxo.

Rain go away, come again another day.

2011-05-08T18:06:00.009+07:00

So that, this may be a long way to go to post. After such hard times I've been through, di akhir minggu ini ada banyak hal yang bikin gue mikir, what's the use of being sad all the time?

Seperti yang gue bilang sebelumnya, kali ini, I know I'll be through it well. Kalau belajar dari yang udah udah, memang let it be dan move on adalah pilihan yang paling mungkin untuk dilakukan. Bukan, bukan, ini bukan soal perasaan atau cinta-cintaan, tapi lebih dari itu, ini soal kepercayaan dan... persahabatan. Duh berat sebenernya buat gue, ibarat pribahasa: karena nila setitik, rusak susu sebelanga. Tapi, as long as kita masih punya banyak belanga susu yang belum rusak, life doesn't stop for anybody, kan?

Kemarin, one of my best friends arrived from Jogja. Putri, or as I used to call her Jamban. Laugh-your-ass-off. She is such a greatest happiness spread-er all around us. Sepanjang malam ada aja cerita yang bikin ngakak gak ada lawan, tentang satpam asrama tempat dia tinggal lah, tentang kebiasaan-kebiasaan dia dan Muthe as roommates yang mostly ridiculous lah, etcetera etcetera. Sayang disayang, webcam sucks saudara-saudara.

See, terkadang kita sebagai manusia (biasa) terlalu fokus sama satu masalah tertentu sampai lupa bersyukur. Bersyukur atas masalah itu sendiri karena udah ngasih kita kesempatan untuk belajar demi pendewasaan diri. Bersyukur atas hal-hal dan orang-orang lain yang dikirimkan Tuhan buat kita to get it through somehow. Bersyukur atas ditutupnya pintu yang satu untuk dibukanya pintu yang lain, sebagai tamparan untuk mengingatkan who are we to know any better kan? Bersyukur sebelum terlambat, akan musim-musim yang nanti berganti lagi dengan orang-orang yang silih datang dan pergi. Whoa, I'm overwhelmed.

So that, I found back my way home, in such roads I actually had stepped in before. Vice versa, there's a little happiness to make sure the people you love are safely home too. Seperti hari ini, an old best friend already welcome me back home. Setelah pertikaian konyol masa-masa SMA yang sangat gak penting dan... memalukan lol, akhirnya kita, atau mungkin gue lebih tepatnya, bisa berdamai dengan lembaran-lembaran masa lalu itu dan memulai hubungan baik kembali. It's likely one day I wake up and all of a sudden I feel again the old feeling by being with her. Rasanya gue keterlaluan banget emang, terlebih saat tau dia masih membuka pintunya lebar-lebar buat gue. Less coffee, less cigars, more talks we did about everything we already missed out.

"We decided to grow apart, when we're apart, they have flown somewhere I didn't notice... And I'm still here, standing still." -Karina Luthfia.

How's life, Nis? Itu kalimat pertama yang dia tanya ke gue tadi pagi. I thought this would be an awkward moment mengingat berapa lama kita nggak ketemu dan berapa banyak hal yang kita lewati tanpa satu sama lain. Tapi ternyata gue salah, I can always run to her like I used to. We shared each and every feeling, each and every day passed by. She told me about her medical school; how struggle she does to survive there for being a doctor someday, about her new friends and boyfriend; how lovely they are bringing a lot of smiles in her face. Dan seperti biasa, dia selalu punya jawaban atas setiap hal yang gue pertanyakan. How relieving, I'm looking forward to catch her up again as soon as possible.

Begitulah, ada yang datang, ada yang pergi. Diantara yang pergi, mungkin sedikit yang bisa kembali. Gak ada yang perlu disesali, hanya butuh dijalani. Season's changed, people come and leave, but life is going through. And I guess this is how the story goes. Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be.

Love,
Nisa.

Fuck growing up.

2011-05-02T12:17:00.003+07:00

I spent my entire childhood wishing that I was older and now I already am, this shit sucks.

I don't know what sort things happen to me last night, but I've been crying quite so hard along my ride going nowhere. I felt vulnerable enough, you know, the feeling when you want to go back home but even you don't know where home is. And today I don't feel like going to campus, nor doing anything like it's Monday actually.

Why are people so cruel? That's what I've questioned to Pungky last night. She answered nothing but promise me to pinch the one who hurts me, well lmfao. Some certain people are pretty sure knowing I'm not okay, like Samuel and Dinda did, they keep calling me back to make sure I'm still alive. Or another virtual hug I got from Caroline, as I said to her I swear I hug her tight if only she were here. They proved me right, other than that I don't give a fuck.

I'm on crisis all over again. But this time, I know I'll be through it well because finally I could see that me myself is the only one I can depend on. So this is I'm telling you: if you only want to be my friend when you need something then leave when you don't, I don't need you.

The end of April.

2011-04-30T23:37:00.003+07:00

There the story goes this month. I've been that high as I've through this low. And everything changed. And I don't know whether I should stay the same.

My home, my college, my friends, my life... all them are pieces I have to place together. I guess I'm already getting numb being home all alone over and over again, so that is it, no choice's left but to go through. I'm starting to accept all what I've got in campus, both bitter and sweet, yet I couldn't make my mind not to wander in the class like my body does. I've been back to my friends, but furthermore I hurt some of them. I don't know, I don't feel like to tell. And my life goes through.

Anyway, I had really some fun tonight. Another 5 hours memorable with 5 years best friend. I love her till the end.

OH-WHAT-SO-EVER-I-HATE-MY-EFFING-HUGE-CHEEKS.

Strangers, again.

2011-04-30T22:41:00.004+07:00

So that last night I came into Dindut's house with Nikon after campus. The Royal Wedding that was held live on her room, you know, absolutely stunning. But that's not my point anyway. Dindut shared this short movie with us, and it was like oh-my-fuckin-god this is so real I'm a lot likely seeing myself over past times.

I watched it, and my tears were rolling down afterward. Not that I regret that precious thing I've been passing, but by clearly see that 4 years countdown I'm exactly going nowhere. That stranger once ever been the most important person in my life, was already back to stranger again. And I'm stuck into him. And it sucks the more I hate him. Mothafucka.

Procrastinating on the Coffee Shop (again)

2011-04-24T14:21:00.007+07:00

Here we go again, two dumb people procrastinating our messy tasks all over today. Coffee, cigars, old songs..... and now we're stuck here in the middle of the paper. Blah.

Through this week, I've got such many lessons to learn. That to be grateful is the only possible escape. That there are so many people way more down below, and how dare we are to deny our every blessed day. Like when I spent last night at my granny's house, doing some sleepover with my mom's family after going to the beach, to step the sands and watch the beautiful twilight with one of my best friends. And I'm enough thankful, that the things which are seemed miserable enough, having so many bright sides if only we would open our eyes to see.

And that again, with the other dark sides, are not always dark as it seemed. As few nights before when I met one of my ex that now have been my also best friend... we calmed each other through a kiss relieving. Did I do something wrong? You know, no more strings attached. He dropped his knees within a broken heart case that brought me to him only to lift him up. And all that night was through, everything is going to be okay. Along that path, along that breath; we're doing fine.

So on, much harder things happened as I grow older. I've found a home, though it's not perfect but it's complete. I've found some souls, though I've met a lot of wrong people before finally got who sincerely stand beside me all along. And I've found some other rides who safely drive me through it all, until God convinced me into the one He's looking for. Alhamdulillah can't say enough.

Now, still on the coffee shop I stare at one of brothers from another mothers of mine, waiting our mood back to type again on the paper. Coffee, cigars, old songs..... keep playing on repeat.

Hollaback!

2011-04-17T11:51:00.005+07:00

How's your weekend? Mine, quite such a blast.

Related to my previous post, mungkin emang bener kalo ada ungkapan yang bilang, lebih baik terlambat dari pada nggak sama sekali. Karena apapun masalahnya, minumnya teh botol sos... eh, fail. Intinya, semua masalah pasti ada jalan keluarnya, that everything always meant to be. Dan pada akhirnya terketuklah pintu hati gue untuk menyadari beberapa hal yang seharusnya gak gue lakukan, dan memang, I think I did something wrong.

Like when you're caught in a problem, you get drunk wishing all of them will be gone. But when you're sober, the pain is killing much more. Ya, kira-kira seperti itu. Awalnya gue sempat mempertanyakan, kenapa begini kenapa begitu. Dan mungkin terkadang lo gak cukup peka untuk menyadari bahwa terlalu banyak hal di sekitar lo yang mengintervensi berbagai keputusan yang lo ambil. Emang sih itu balik lagi ke diri masing-masing. Karena mau sekuat apapun pengaruh dari luar kalo lo gak mengijinkan itu untuk mempengaruhi lo, ya tetaplah diri lo kokoh bagai karang di laut lepas. Aduh apaan sih.

Setidak-tidaknya, ada satu pelajaran berharga yang bisa gue ambil dari turning point ini. Bahwa gak sepatutnya lo sok-sokan kuat untuk memikul beban dan tanggung jawab yang bahkan sama sekali bukan kewajiban lo, di pundak lo sendirian. Kasarnya, ngomong aja masih gagap tapi udah mau nyeramahin orang. Tau dampaknya? Seriously sangat amat gak bagus, bukannya jadi bener malah jadi berantakan semua. Peduli boleh aja, itu artinya lo masih aware to see what is going on around. Tapi jangan lupa sama batasannya, like live your life and I'll live mine. Sekeras apapun lo berusaha untuk membuat semua berjalan seperti yang lo inginkan, tapi kalo emang gak bisa ya masa iya mau dipaksa? Well, truth hurts tapi lies worse. Owrait?

Keep back on the track,

XO.

Depresif?

2011-04-15T19:08:00.007+07:00

Well, gue bingung mau mulai dari mana. Mungkin diawali dengan pengakuan bahwa... keadaan gue saat ini adalah sedang tidak baik-baik saja. Mari diperjelas.

Jadi, entah kenapa, dalam dua minggu terakhir ini gue merasa sangat berantakan. Dikit-dikit ngelamun, bahkan gak jarang berujung dengan tangisan tanpa sebab. Kalo lagi rame-rame, gue malah diam dan menyendiri di pojokan, ngebul udah macem kereta api. Soal kuliah gak usah ditanya. Itung punya itung dalam minggu ini aja gue cuma masuk gak lebih dari 3 kelas, itu pun bawa badan doang pikiran melayang kemana tau. Satu matkul udah hampir dipastikan fail, sisanya wallahualam. Emang kemana aja?

Minggu kemaren kalo gak salah gue ke Bandung, ngablu aja gitu gak jelas. Kemarennya lagi makan sama temen gue, kemarennya lagi ketiduran di rumah, terus dua hari yang lalu muter-muter nyari es krim, terus karokean sampe sore. Hari ini niatnya mau kuliah, tapi tadi pagi telat jalan cuma beberapa menit dan macetnya udah kayak cendol. Jam kedua? Pulang. Iya tau, suram banget emang. Ternyata gak bagus numpuk-numpuk masalah kelamaan, ibarat bom waktu, tinggal tunggu kapan mau meledak.

Masalahnya..... banyak. Yang pertama, soal rumah. Sejujurnya gue capek dengan kondisi yang terus-terusan seperti ini, I mean, bisa gak sih hidup normal? Growing up in World War 3 wasn't easy, dimana keadaan terlalu memaksa untuk menjadikan dewasa sebelum waktunya. Dan sekarang sepertinya gue hanya membuat keadaan ini semakin rumit dengan terus-terusan mendatangkan kekecewaan bagi orangtua gue. Berapa banyak waktu yang habis percuma? Berapa banyak uang yang terbuang sia-sia? Yang kedua, soal kuliah. Kenapa gue skip kelas terus sebenernya bukan hal yang patut dipertanyakan. Begini, kalo apa yang gue dapatkan dengan atau tanpa masuk kelas adalah sama aja, jadi buat apa capek-capek nahan ngantuk dan pura-pura merhatiin saat dosennya ngeliat ke arah gue? Belom lagi materinya, banyak banget yang sulit untuk gue mengerti, udah fed up jadinya. Bahaya emang kalo mikirnya udah kayak gini, mau jadi apa gue nanti. Yang ketiga, soal pertemanan. Gak tau kenapa gue lagi ngerasa sangat gak nyaman berada di antara siapapun akhir-akhir ini, kecuali dengan 1-2 orang temen kampus gue yang sepertinya juga sedang merasakan hal yang sama seperti gue. Kesini salah, kesitu salah. Ditambah lagi perasaan takut kalo sampe temen deket gue direbut, terus dia jadi lupa sama gue. Maderpaker childish abis bahasa gue direbut men direbut hoeks cuih, tapi serius deh gak enak kan rasanya yang namanya kehilangan temen? Yang terakhir, soal perasaan. Mungkin ini tidak menempati skala prioritas utama dalam permasalahan hidup gue, tapi kehadirannya sudah cukup mengganggu. Adakalanya perasaan itulah yang mendistraksi fokus tujuan gue, dan kembali membuat semua rencana yang sudah gue atur jadi acak-acakan gak karuan. Bawaannya males, gak ada semangat lagi. Dampaknya kacau ya, dan seriously gue sempat berpikir bahwa, I no longer found any reason why I have to keep doing my routine. Innalillahi wa innailaihi roji'un, semua milik Allah dan akan kembali kepada-Nya, atau dengan kata lain... pasrah.

Sedih, kesel, mau marah, dan berakhir dengan menyalahkan diri sendiri. Begitu terus keep playing on repeat, sampai akhirnya gue menemukan cara-cara pengalihan dari kesedihan itu yang malah ternyata semakin membuat keadaan gue terpuruk. Kalo kata temen gue, nyesel itu kayak tukang parkir, datengnya belakangan. Bener sih, cuma heran aja, yang ngomong gitu udah didatengin tukang parkir berkali-kali padahal, tapi kenapa gak kapok-kapok juga. Well, mungkin gak sepatutnya gue ngurusin urusan orang di saat ngurus diri sendiri aja belom becus. Back to topic, jadi begitulah, dalam 2 minggu ini gue totally nyampah dan rasanya kayak gak kenal sama diri gue sendiri.

Tapi overall... ya udahlah, biar gimana pun, hidup terus berjalan. Waktu 2 minggu gue rasa sudah terlalu lama untuk suasana berkabung. Mau lari dari kenyataan gak bakal ada gunanya, toh ujung-ujungnya harus dihadapi juga. Susah emang, rasanya pengin pergi yang jauh gitu untuk menenangkan diri dari tekanan yang datang bertubi-tubi, tapi... wait. Harus berapa lama lagi ada waktu yang habis untuk hal yang percuma? Harus berapa lama lagi ada uang yang terbuang untuk hal yang sia-sia? Malu sama umur, kelakuan masih kayak balita yang mau makan mesti disuapin, mau minum mesti disusuin. Intinya, gue harus bisa melawan perasaan sendiri biar gak terus-terusan terbawa aliran yang sesat dan menyesatkan sebagai dampak dari beragam permasalahan di atas. Banyak yang nanya akhir-akhir ini gue kenapa, dan itu sangat cukup membuktikan bahwa sebenernya masih ada orang-orang yang sadar dan peduli akan keadaan gue. Wuh, terharu loh saudara-saudara. Mungkin sisa waktu 2 hari di weekend ini akan gue pergunakan sebaik-baiknya untuk mereparasi diri lahir dan batin. No more depresif, gue harus bangkit.

bring back nica back :3

Sit back, relax.

2011-04-12T22:14:00.003+07:00

I'm gonna tell you about one of my brothers from another mother. How much this feeling has been disturbing me these recently few days, and how today I've finally found the reason why. Mind to read?

I met him in this new home of mine, and as the time goes by some things get me emotionally feeling closer to him. Coincidentally, there is something attached between us yet still I can't manage my words to say. I recall what we've done and, I feel like I've known a lot about him.

He is a bad boy, too bad that his mom can't even handle him. Cigars are his best friends while he drives in drunk. He lost his way home. He does what he likes, fuck with anybody dislikes. His brain would work, but sometimes he doesn't use it well. He barely says he cares, but he shows in every unexpected way. He never shows what he's really feeling inside, regardless people knowing that he's fine. He needs someone to hold on. And know what, if the word 'boy' could be changed into 'girl' and pronounce 'he' could be changed into 'she', that is me myself do look like.

I'm likely looking on the glass, that's why I care about him like I do to myself.

I don't know but this enough distracts me lately. I mean, at least I can still put myself on the track yet it's kinda miserable. And he can't. And... don't know why I can't let it be. I sincerely have no other feeling but to care, that best friend in need is best friend indeed.

Sit back, relax, and... have a save drive.

Procrastinating on the coffee shop.

2011-04-10T14:53:00.003+07:00

So here I am this time, with a friend of mine, such as two bad deadliners finishing our tasks in approximately 24 hours before it should be sent. I'm done already, ha ha ha don't know why occasionally my brain works as fast as not usual, and I'm stuck here watching him staring on his laptop. Likely I'm going to say: eat that shit! looooolll.

Anyway, I'm within a crisis recently. I skipped some classes again, abandoned few tests, and so on and so on kept playing on repeat. You know, the mixture feelings that previously I told, finally bury me alive in this such confusion. The thing I'm gonna say here is, again, some people took me for granted.

Well, I've come into a plenty conclusion that maybe... the people who took you for granted, thought you would stand by them all along. They leave you two choices, stay or leave. And I convince myself not to leave because actually, behind it all, they need me. They need me that they've found no reason to make me stay because they know I will stay. And that's it.

Or maybe, I fall in love with the wrong person, all over again.

Mixture feelings.

2011-04-03T17:13:00.005+07:00

First, for the people I called best friends. I miss you already, come home soon babies. In every single step I take, here is your breath I'd always let in. Now life is harder as we grow older, but I no need you less, like yesterday has always been today.

Second, for the people I recently hold onto everyday. I know, having guy as best friend is really fun, and lucky me I'm not only having one. One thing you should know, as long as you'd be here you can always count me in. Thank you for your caring to drive me home, for those silly times we've all spent together, I heart you guys fuck yeah smash-blast.

Third, for the people I regard as newly meet sisters of mine. I'm glad we made it, you know, for each night heart breaking and each day hard laughing. I maybe ain't as good as you see but believe me from the upfront I convinced myself not to be another something in here. We'll shine together ha ha ha I'm not bullshitting.

Fourth, for the person I look after these six months. We can force nothing to be attached with somebody's feeling. Like I force you to love me nor you force me not to love you. However, no matter, being best friends still is a wise enough escape. It's okay even if everything that we had didn't mean a thing to you, I'm fine as long as you're single ha ha ha fuck.

Fifth, for Mom and Dad and the rest of the family. I've been questioning this before since so long, can we just shut the hell up and let life flows itself? Can you both just live your own lives without another forever after and to be continued war? The truth is: we're already broken after you're divorced so what else can I do to repair?

Sixth at last, for God. Would You tell those people above what I'm going to say?
Truly what is on sky and earth are all in Your hold.

Keep calm and carry on, XO.

Friday, Family Day

2011-04-03T15:17:00.009+07:00

Well, yang ini totally skip.

This is it, Malam Balas Jasa Kriminologi 2011 presented by Mandibir aka Krim2010. Another way we would like to say a bunch of thanks for all of the seniors who finally made us as a part of their family, still hardly can believe we've been through this part :')

Here is few of my family at campus, as you will find out many more as the elder sisters and brothers from another mothers and fathers. Care, understanding, respect, and existence. Cure for each others. Banyak hal yang gue dapat disini, di pertengahan jalan semester kedua. Rasanya gak cukup seharian di kampus bareng-bareng, that night, a sleepover was... ha ha ha words can't describe betapa susahnya tertidur di antara backsound-backsound gak jelas, sampe akhirnya pagi datang dan gue menemukan dalam satu kamar sudah bertumpuk manusia-manusia bak pepes ikan. How regarding, saudara-ketemu-gede.

Ya, Dea lagi. We once have ever been such aliens in here, ha ha dasar labil. Sekarang, through some acceptances, gue pada akhirnya menyadari bahwa yang namanya takdir itu emang gak perlu dipertanyakan, hanya butuh untuk dijalani. So far so good, I'm thankful being here.

Nah, say extra big thanks for him. Dia adalah project officer acara ini aka Arief aka Ucup aka Unyu-moment-partner-setia-setiap-saat. Surely we had such a blast night.

Your partner in crime,
XOXO.

ps: I got a lotta pics on my cam, poke me anytime.

Skip Day part 2

2011-04-03T14:26:00.005+07:00

This is still on Wednesday, as the sun goes down...

I guess from the upfront I lost my way home like two days in a row, but now I've figured out the second one I actually did not... nyesss cheesy. Ha ha back to topic, mungkin ini akibat dari meninggalkan teman di tengah jalan begitu aja. Jadi ceritanya, setelah berhasil menenangkan gue dari serangan asma, kedua teman gue yang unyu-unyu ini aka Fahmi dan Tofan ngajak makan di daerah Cijantung. Fahmi drove his car while Tofan drove mine. Gue sama Tofan ngikutin Fahmi si juragan Condet yang dipercaya tau jalan, tapi... kok gak nyampe-nyampe ya?

Then I realize kalo sepertinya jalan yang ditempuh adalah muter-muter gak karuan. Yang seharusnya setengah jam nyampe ini satu setengah jam masih kena macet. Wah asem banget kan. Akhirnya I told Tofan, gimana kalo..... ha ha ha jadi begitulah, kita balik arah pulang tanpa menggubris Fahmi. Tapi persoalan yang muncul kemudian, none of us tau daerah situ.

Alhasil, nyasar sampe Mampang... dan gak ngerti juga gimana caranya keluar-keluar di Pasar Minggu dan menghabiskan waktu tempuh sekitar dua jam. Satu hal yang patut gue syukuri, gue gak kebelet pipis like Tofan did ha ha ha.

Go chase the train, xo.

Skip Day part 1

2011-04-03T14:06:00.005+07:00

This is on Wednesday, dimana ada mata kuliah yang bernama MPKO aka matkul olahraga sebanyak 1 sks pada pukul 4 sore. Omgwtf bensin mahal bok. Dan you know..... pada akhirnya adalah gue gak masuk kelas tennis dikarenakan serangan asma mendadak. Iya emang nyusahin, tapi intinya bukan itu.

As you scroll your mouse, please percaya kita gak sejelek itu.

Itu di kosan si Dea, seperti biasa kita sering melakukan hal-hal yang di luar dugaan. Kali ini, gue udah beneran gak sanggup liat muka sendiri. So fuckin natural looolll. Tuh mamam lo yang minta di publish kan De? The truth is ugly ya... ha ha ha.

LMAO! XO.